Death is so final. That is what gets me sometimes because it is so final but with me it wasn’t. I don’t know that it matters “why” as much as what I do with it. So much death has taken place in recent months I feel like everyone is dying off but that’s not what’s really happening. There are good things that happen but we just can’t see them because our immediate attention is pulled toward tragedy.

My Aunt Darby died at the end of  December. She was my mother’s younger sister.  No one saw it coming. she wasn’t sick, her heart just stopped beating. Her brain was without oxygen for over 15 minutes. It was the first death that I’d been a part of where someone was in a coma after a brain injury only I was on the outside this time. As morbid as it sounds it was interesting for me to be a part of it. It felt awful seeing her in a coma because I felt like my situation inspired people to have hope for her but it made me feel sorry that I survived at times. Not because I didn’t want to live or wished it was me but because my survival gave our family hope when maybe there should have been none. It was an awesome experience for me to see the other side of the hospital bed but in those awesome feelings was confusion. One of the things that was important during those times were the facts. It was really important for me to remember the facts. There were times when I couldn’t remember what was going on and unknowingly put my foot in my mouth.  I was confused at times because she was still alive but it seemed like everyone was talking about her like she was dead. Because of the memory problems I have it created a huge challenge for me to keep on top of what was going on. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing but I wanted to be there for my family. I was able to talk to my speech therapist about what I should do in this situation. She suggested I write down daily updates so I would know the facts for the day.  I think through her death, I gained an awareness that I had lost since my accident. An awareness of how what we say or do effects others. It was like she passed me a baton. An empathetic baton for me to continue running with.  You know she never felt like she was a part of my recovery but I hope that I honored her with a better awareness of  how others are reacting to situations. I want her to know that she did help in my recovery and that although it was through her death, she played an instrumental part. Most people know me as Mike but my close friends and family know that my first name is actually Jennings. From a young age, my Aunt Darby always called me Professor Jennings. I hope to honor her dream by continuing this recovery and becoming again the intellectual she always saw in me and that I aspire to become again.

It was that baton to ready myself for the next tragedy. My step dad’s brother and his family were murdered in Appomattox, January 19, 2010 and with the increased awareness I had from Darby’s passing I was able to give it the attention it deserved.  The Appomattox murders required attention from my back up again, my mother and without her, it was up to me to “cotinue pushing me”.  Part of me relying on me is that I need to be totally aware of where I am in space. Just like when I was going through rehab, my equilibrium was off and I needed to be able to conceptualize where I was in space. It was that “where am I?” kind of thought. When fully realized, this disability becomes easier to deal with if I utilize the strategies I’d been taught.  So it becomes important for me to build off of that but that’s where it gets confusing. I still see myself as the person I was and the person I was doesn’t need these strategies. It’s kind of difficult concept to grasp. Me seeing the same way but thinking a different way. Things ARE different. Learning to take my time because processing is hampered is exhausting. The whole fact that processing is hampered is hard to accept because that’s not me. It’s  NOT me, it’s who I’ve become and I don’t know that person, yet.

If you think about it, my life started over on October 21, 2007, I still have the body and life experience of a 27 year old but the mind of a two year old or maybe in dog years, a 14 year old. It’s hard for me to conceptualize the difference of who I was, who I am so I can just imagine how difficult it is for my friends. I love this life I have now though because when I think about it, I think I can truly appreciate these lessons I’ve been learning. as sad as the events have been, the gain - empathy, patience, love of family and that life is amazing. This life is awesome AWE some - awe inspiring despite all the tragedies. Just out of nowhere life ends and that is what makes life awesome.  Because in the blink of an eye, the magnitude of one event to change an entire life is magnificent.  it’s not just thank God for today but I thank you for the time I get to spend with the people I love. Whether it’s 10 minutes, 2 days, 9 or 99 years it’s time spent because life could end tomorrow.

Mike

keep Hope Alive

The Celebration of Life ‘09 was humbling; I know sometimes I can be hard to deal with, tired, moody, frustrated, hard headed, I’m sure I am rude and insensitive and can come off as egotistical but how many times can you say I’m sorry? Thank you is not even enough, I do feel unworthy. The weather sucked, it was cold and rainy not a nice day at all but people showed up. I think I’ve learned not to question things when they seem too good to be true but that’s when I’m humbled and the support is so much more than for what I feel worthy. But I do thank you because that celebration propelled me with the energy I need to keep going. I know I had gotten myself into a funk and couldn’t see my way out but when the planning started, that’s all I could think about. The weather forecast was cold and rainy and we didn’t have a rain date. I thought maybe no one would come or less people would come but what ended up happening was awesome. My memory is not good but I know what happened, I think for the most part I remember who came and for that I am thankful. People traveled from as far as South Carolina and although the weather kept some people away, it was still one of the best days of my life so far. The party, then a movie and then a bar with no drinking. That day was incredible. THANK YOU!

My schedule seems like it’s gotten more regular now.  I have the areas best brain injury rehab therapists…we live in the nations capital so our area has the best of the country and our country leads the world, so do I have the worlds best therapists? That is something to think about. Sometimes my schedule feels hectic with pluses and minuses. The plus is, I have the opportunity to have formal therapy every day. The minus is, I have formal therapy every day. Some days therapy is one hour, sometimes its two hours but therapy feels like a full work day. It used to feel like a full work day with over time but I think that’s getting better. My speech therapist is working with me on the intricacies of improving memory and overall recovery. Cognitive rehab helps me with planning and organizing and using new strategies. My other therapist helps me deal with the emotional and social parts of recovering. All of them say that I am above the marker of what I should have been able to recover and they feel because of that, that I have the potential to keep improving. I just have to “buy into” accepting the changes. I work hard when I’m with them and accept what they say because I know they have my best interest at heart but its a fine line between them telling me and knowing what I should do and then what I think I need to do. I think if I accept it maybe that’s accepting defeat but that’s probably hard to understand.

I think that if people understood, it would be easier for me. But then how could it make sense to you because I feel like I try to make it seem easy, like I laugh it off and like its just another day. As much as I would like to think I’m ok, I’m not ok. I feel like I can do the bob and weave type action but I know that I have a long road ahead of me. Its not just how far I’ve come and the relationships I’ve built to help me get through this the most difficult situation in life, but I am growing older and time keeps moving and what am I doing? I am going to have to be recovering for the rest of my life. The rest of my life. This is not just hard, it is more than I can even explain. The things I do aren’t hard when I think about the simple things that I do in rehab but it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It’s not hard but it is hard. Its a conundrum.

I can laugh about being a lazy, fat guy and I can work on that but who cares.  I can change my body with this brain injury. Its what I cant fix that I can’t even talk about. Its not impossible but the way I feel sometimes is that “you could have fooled me”. Sometimes it feels impossible.

I’m not the same and I realize that. My friends realize that. I’ts too hard. It happened and it is what it is. It’s not outwardly apparent and because of that you have no clue how difficult it is. I don’t want it to sound like poor me, poor Michael because I did this to myself. I’m not asking for a short cut, but I feel like I can make it seem like there’s nothing wrong with me but it  appears that maybe I’m not that good at it. What people don’t get is that  me just trying to make it seem like there’s nothing wrong is so hard. I cant, how could I tell my friends how I feel about the changes and how difficult everything, and I mean everything is. I realize the fact that I’m not the same but I am the same. I still have the same head, I still have similar thoughts but I may not have the same actions or reactions to things. I feel like I am the same but evidently I am not pulling off this charade as well as I thought. Am I over confident or just…. I do know that I’m not the type to sit around and watch things go by and I want to be a part of my own life. So the other day it became apparent that it’s not them being protective of me, it’s them protecting themselves from me. That is really difficult to swallow.

I get it. But what I’m saying is being in a normal working environment helps me  push myself and that’s what I do. That’s what I’m trying to do. It may not seem like I do much to you but like I said, just the action of trying to be like everyone else is more than I can even give words to. I push everyday to do everything, anything. You have no idea. But I do get it and I understand everyone has their own lives and everyone needs to do what they have to do.

Yesterday was the annual turkey bowl. I feel so grateful for being able to walk on to the field and still being embraced by my friends and I am filled with gratitude. But then, no more touchy feely stuff and the next second, I think “let’s get it on”.  My mother doesn’t want to watch the games because shes a wimp and I did get hurt. I tackled people, I got tackled and I got hurt. I got elbowed in the face, I hurt my knee and I don’t know that it was good for me, it probably wasn’t. But those few hours on Saturday is what it’s all about. Its times like that, being with my friends, is what I need. That is coming back. It was good for me. There are no real words to explain how good it felt to be tackled. No words but all words.

You know you never realize how important your friends are until the threat of them being taken away or them walking away is real.

It’s getting close to Christmas time again and I remember reading on the blog when all I wanted was a haircut.  But those days are long gone. I must be coming back, I got a list this time. For these days, I give thanks to God, to the people who support me and all of you. I’m not sure that I’m worthy.

Mike

Happy Birthday Nathan!

	Into The Mystic Artist: VAN MORRISON Album: Moondance
		(3:31)

Glory be to God. 

Today begins the end of year two for Michael. For so long we thought that by the end of the second year, Michael would be where he was going to be and we should be happy with wherever that was. We were ok with that.

Honestly, two years ago on this day I would have been happy with just hearing he would live.  The doctors or nurses could not or would not give us that for almost a month. A month of not knowing if your child would live or die is a lifetime. I would have been happy with a few encouraging words but there were none.  They were supportive, they were honest, and when we thought a squeeze of a hand meant something, they might have been a little patronizing. They were many things, but they were never hopeful.  No words of hope at a time when hope and faith were all we had.  Hope that God would hear our prayers and faith that if we believed, we would receive.  Hope and faith got us through the night but it was in you that we found the strength to believe in ourselves. 

For me, your love and your support gave me the strength to breathe when I no longer wanted to, the strength to get out of bed and the strength to put one foot in front of the other.  Walking through the fog of those days to somehow face the death of my son,whether it was the death of his mind - the Michael as we knew him or the death of the vessel, his body. To face that with dignity and grace took/takes everything; but to honor him and honor God who gave him life, I was/am willing to give it all.

“Your son will most likely be a vegetable”, I would have been happy with that.  “He may not recognize you, he may not remember who he is”, I would have been happy with that.  “he may be blind, not be able to walk”, I would have been happy with that. But that was then. This is now. I don’t say “I am happy with that” and leave it alone. Today, I am “the General” - Michael is pushed to be everything that he is capable of being.  Today Michael is surrounded by the best support team we could ever hope for. The area’s top therapists headed and spirited by Brain Injury Services - the most caring, amazing case manager - Chris, no words could describe the gift Michael received in his neuro-psychologist -  Dr Alf :), a specialized, wait listed speech therapist - Debi, an young up and coming cognitive rehab specialist - Anthony, a PAL - Mike A, and totally awesome Brian who jointly spearheads the Wise Guys.  At the two year mark, Michael is moving forward toward recovery. He is still recovering  from a severe traumatic brain injury and is seeing marked improvement. He will continue to recover as long as he lives, if that is God’s plan. He will continue as a survivor of the most devastating injury a human can endure. A severe injury to the brain affects everything you and I take for granted. EVERYTHING!

“Michael seems fine, is he driving?”  How many processes do you think we use behind the wheel?  Drivers must be able to concentrate attention in their central vision, but they must also possess good peripheral vision–the ability to see things “out of the corner of your eye” , and to perceive spatial relationships.  You need to see and hear things that come from all directions and constantly decide what is important and what is not. Drivers need to process a lot of information and react quickly in an appropriate way. They must also make sure their attention and reflexes are sharp no matter how long or short the drive.  When you drive you constantly make judgments, whether you’re in the midst of merging into flowing traffic on a busy highway or just deciding whether or not to drive through a heavy rainstorm. Making these kinds of  judgments requires self-awareness and an understanding of your own strengths and weaknesses. Is Mike driving? No, not yet. He is still recovering from a severe injury to his brain.  Injuries to the brain are not always visible on the surface.

Take two steps forward then one step back is the road we travel. There are many stages of recovery and out of the available labels, the rancho los amigo’s scale between level 7 and 8 is a pretty good reference. For friends and family, educate yourselves is the best advise I can give. The more you know about what happened to this person you love, the more you will understand why. If Michael behaves in a way that doesn’t make sense to you, if something is said and you find it offensive -  don’t ignore it. Be kind, be respectful, be yourself because you can be. You may not have that control if you had a brain injury. It is something we take for granted. Educate.

I won’t go into the specifics of what those stages bring, Mike would prefer I didn’t.  It took one moment for Michael to make that decision to drive after drinking, and it is nothing less than a lifetime of consequences  he will bear. Don’t walk away - be patient. Don’t judge - it could have been you. Try not to be offended but don’t let it slide. He needs all of us to do right by him, help him to do right by us. There are many behaviors that are caused by neurological damage that may be confused with obstinance or being self -centered. A lack of abstract thinking might be more the cause - self awareness has to be re-learned.

Mike, I am so proud of you. This is not easy, but you haven’t ever made it easy have you?  We are blessed with the lessons we are learning along the way and you are blessed to have the best circle of friends I have ever witnessed. As you have said so many times “blessed beyond belief”.

Friends and family - I am overwhelmed with emotion when I think of the love and support you have given us. Humbled. Grateful. Indebted. Appreciative. Unworthy. I am in love with you.

 LIVESTRONG Michael

xxoo

I had a great time and I do hope you did as well. It was so great to see everyone. I am humbled by the support that I’ve been given because I know that sometimes this thing, I can be difficult. It’s taken two years to get here but after a day like yesterday, I feel energized to continue further. I don’t know what the next step is going to be or if there’s a  next milestone but what I have just witnessed will carry me to where ever this journey leads.

After we left the rainy soggy park, we warmed up and dried off.  Then we went to a movie. THEN we went to a place, a bar in fact that I had frequented many times before my accident. It was nice to go to a place I had been to so many times before. Only this time, I was able to walk out standing, SOBER, not intoxicated.  I was able to come full circle yesterday from beginning the cold rainy day with the people I hold so dear to my heart and ending the day walking out of  a bar with the friends that  possibly two years to the day walked in to the same bar but this time it was different.  We walked in sober, walked out sober and I can honestly say that I had more fun than ever.  This was probably the best day of my life since accident. THANK YOU ALL!!!

FULL CIRCLE.  Who would have thought two years ago walking out of the same bar so much would happen to us all?  We hold each other up, united we stand.

Keep Hope Alive

Saturday October 17

11am               Noon               1pm                 2pm                 3pm                 4pm

41° F               41° F               40° F               42° F               43° F               45° F

Cloudy             Cloudy             Cloudy             Cloudy            Cloudy             Cloudy

Rain or Shine - we’re there!

we might be cold,

we might get wet…

but we’re gonna be there Celebrating LIFE and… 

 we’ll be looking for you.

	The Rain Artist: DMX
		(3:29)

Recognize any of these?

Ranchos Los Amigos

Level VII Automatic, Appropriate: Minimal Assistance for Daily Living Skills

· Consistently oriented to person and place, within highly familiar environments. Moderate assistance for orientation to time.

 · Able to attend to highly familiar tasks in a non-distraction environment for at least 30 minutes with minimal assist to complete tasks.

· Minimal supervision for new learning. 

· Demonstrates carry over of new learning.

· Initiates and carries out steps to complete familiar personal and household routine but has shallow recall of what he/she has been doing. 

· Able to monitor accuracy and completeness of each step in routine personal and household ADLs and modify plan with minimal assistance. 

· Superficial awareness of his/her condition but unaware of specific impairments and disabilities and the limits they place on his/her ability to safely, accurately and completely carry out his/her household, community, work and leisure ADLs. 

· Minimal supervision for safety in routine home and community activities. 

·    Unrealistic planning for the future. 

· Unable to think about consequences of a decision or action. 

· Overestimates abilities. 

· Unaware of others’ needs and feelings. 

· Oppositional/uncooperative.  

· Unable to recognize inappropriate social interaction behavior. 

Eminem - Beautiful

Music video by Eminem performing Beautiful
with Anthony Mandler [Video Director], Billy Parks [Video Producer]
(C) 2009 Aftermath Records

Diffuse Axonal Injury

 Diffuse axonal injury occurs in about half of all severe head traumas, making it one of the most common traumatic brain injuries. It can also occur in moderate and mild brain injury. A diffuse axonal injury falls under the category of a diffuse brain injury. This means that instead of occurring in a specific area, like a focal brain injury, it occurs over a more widespread area. In addition to being one of the most common types of brain injuries, it’s also one of the most devastating. As a matter of fact, severe diffuse axonal injury is one of the leading causes of death in people with traumatic brain injury.

The more we research, the more Michael realizes that the severity of the injuries do not add up to the amount of recovery he has been able to achieve. “why me?” he asks not because he is feeling sorry for himself; “why me?” he asks as one would ask when they were afraid of the answer.  The blog continues to be monitored by Mike’s watchful eye and he is still ”energized by your words”.  Watching the video he is an observer to months of his life he cannot remember, those months we will never forget.  He is unable to comprehend “was I sleeping when I was in a coma?” there is a quiet spiritual inspiration by what cannot be explained.  

We lost the ability to link to the original video/slideshow that I put together last year and because it was tattooed in my memory, I was able to recreate it rather quickly over the last few weeks.  On Tuesday, Jim kindly came over to help get the new ( hopefully improved) version linked back to the website.  Thank you Jim! And to those that privately shared how the video and Mike’s journey is and has impacted your life, I say all glory be to God. 

Therapy is free when you find it in a project that is close to your heart. I worked late nights for months putting pieces of the puzzle together to be able to share the tears, fears, the love of community and primarily the faith and hope of this journey with Mike.  The slideshow chronicles life before and after October 21, 2007 when life as we knew it ended forever. Finding the music, searching through photos and while reading through each comment posted on the blog; an appreciation for the present evolved.  The present, this day. The old saying “it is called the present for a reason” became very clear. 

No matter what the day brings, it is a gift.  I try to keep that little nuggett in the fore front of my thoughts but when I falter, all it takes is a 15 minute reminder of the blessings we have received. Fifteen minutes to remind us that in a blink of an eye everything can change. A reminder that we are not infinite. Fifteen minutes to remind us to thank God for this day, this gift of life; the present.

xxoo

My friends are treating me the same way I hope to have the courage to treat the new people as they come into my life, with patience, understanding, and respect.

I just had another birthday, 27 years to find purpose?

I guess, ya know I’m not even sure about purpose so much anymore.  I think it is more about direction. 

In which direction am I headed?  Well, right now I can say that at least it’s not destructive.  So sure, I’ve traveled, I’ve been to the beach on both coasts, I’ve even been snorkeling in the Carribean.  I’ve been to school and learned new things. 

I feel like now it is time to do those same, similar things PBI (post brain injury).  After all I’m going to (knock on wood) be a brain injury survivor for a long time coming. 

Such a drastic change from October 2007, geez 2007?  Seems like a lifetime ago, oh how things change.  I feel like it’s up to us to try and continue to make changes as positive as possible. 

Yes, it (this journey after trauma) is not over, but it is still moving forward and as of yet there is no way to stop time from continuing to progress.  So,if you’re going to work on anything, try to make its impact as positive as possible.

From where I stand currently that is at least my perspective.

One Love - The Journey Begins from rae rosner-new on Vimeo.

Michael Rosner was in a single car accident 10/21/07 because he made the decision to get behind the wheel and drive after spending the evening drinking with friends. He arrived CODE BLUE in the Trauma ICU - non-responsive, in danger of immediate death.

We are inspired by his strength and determination and believe it was through the love of this community, through prayer and by the grace of God that Michael is with us today. If you believe, you will recieve. We believe.

LIVESTRONG Michael
xxoo