The body heals pretty fast but no matter how much healing that has gone into making me the Mike I am now, I STILL have a SEVERE TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY and healing is still a VERY SLOW process. Through this blog I am able to express my frustrations, and inform and educate about the devastating after effects of an injury to the brain. My life changing experience that is chronicled on these pages may serve as a window to one of the effects of one bad decision to drive after drinking.
I can’t say that if I had an opportunity to get my old life back, that I would want to take it all back. I don’t know. The gain that has come out of this has been so magnificent and miraculous that it would be difficult to measure the pros and cons of never having had this experience. Yet, the day to day drudgery of this verses that makes it difficult to quantify because one could never imagine, we don’t really think about the possibility of such an event. Every person’s life is different, every brain injury is different and did I EVER think that my life would be turned upside down when I was having the time of my life? No, no one does but one of my hopes now is that when you are at “I think I’m ok to drive”, think of me and DON’T. It is my hope that when you interact with someone who has suffered an injury to their brain, that you open your mind to understand the difficulty of trying to get through life with a horrible head cold that doesn’t go away. Think about having the flu and being really sick and how you’re tired, sluggish and it’s difficult to do just about anything… everything seems to take longer to process because you just can’t think clearly. Well, that’s a fraction of what it is like to walk around with only parts of your brain working.
I am faced with the reality of everything being changed and different and it seems obvious to me and like I shouldn’t have to explain but obviously I do. So, I talk a big game and come on, you have to know it’s a coping mechanism. I have to feel that I can do anything I put my mind to and I can. The problem is, my mind is working on a part time basis and to do anything I put my mind to, it has to be up to full time speed. The reality is too difficult to face all the time and honestly, I don’t want to face that I can’t do what I could do. But I still CAN do anything if given the opportunity…I don’t know…how do you put limits on yourself? I guess I just don’t know how to do that. I don’t think I want to learn how to that…yet.
I can’t think this way on a daily basis but there are days when I can see and understand more clearly. So, today looks clear: I imagine it like our solar system like planets orbiting the sun, the closer ones orbit faster, the ones further away take much longer to orbit and that’s where I am. My closest friends doing it BIG now it’s like they are on Mercury - fast days speeding forward…everyone else seems to me, to be on Earth having regular days but I am like Jupiter…not even Earth, I’m further back than earth. The people on Earth are going about their day, and their days are probably awesome. I realize there are people on Earth that have it a lot worse than me in some ways but they might still be progressing in life at a normal pace, maybe some aren’t. I was used to moving at sonic speed (back on Mercury in this case) and my people are still moving at that pace. Here I am on Jupiter and Jupiter revolves around the sun (life) much slooooower than Mercury and because Mercury is closer to the sun, and I am looking out at it, I can see that Mercury is moving on and moving faster and there’s nothing I can do being stuck on Jupiter except acknowledge that they NEED to move on and it’s GOOD that they’re moving on because they can continue to grow our dream. I can see that even the people on Earth are moving on and moving forward. So how did I get here and why does it feel like Jupiter?
I feel like I got banished to Jupiter because of the reckless life I was living and it’s not as much fun here on this crusty old planet. I still want to be on Mercury and move at Mercury’s pace but I am forced by the laws of nature to abide by the limits of an injured brain. And that is my life now. I don’t like it but I have to make the best of it. The ugly truth is, I will never be a Mecurian again but hopefully I will become an Earthling again. From some perspectives it may seem that Jupiter isn’t moving at all or isn’t moving near as fast but in actuality it is moving just as fast and covering more ground and making gigantic strides. The ground Jupiter covers is larger (the brain injury) so it’s making much larger gains. But when your brain moves at the speed of Jupiter; Mercury and Earth seem to only move further away…the progress on Jupiter is barely noticeable in comparison. It’s dark and cold here on Jupiter but there is life. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for my life and continued progress but I fight to breathe with the much thicker air on Jupiter, after all, I am a Mercurian.
Still pushing the limits from here on Jupiter and keeping hope alive.
“Hi, my name is Mike Rosner and I have a brain injury.” I think that when I say that I have a brain injury the confusion begins because it’s so utterly invisible but at the same time, is all encompassing and effects everything about me and to me screams out loud; YOU HAVE A BRAIN INJURY! but everything about me still functions kind of the same. I still walk, talk, laugh, think like I’m the same Mike Rosner but obviously, I’m not. To me my injury is obvious because what once was easy is no longer but I don’t know what other people think when they first hear or see me. I can be loud and obnoxious, dis-inhibited (no filter), very literal, argumentative at times, boastful, over confident, I like to think that I kept my sense of humor but I think that my sense of humor and the above listed throws people off. “Whoa, who is this guy?” I don’t think anyone wonders “does this guy have a brain injury?”
Acquaintances walk on egg shells, they get scared because I am brash and possibly misinterpret my over confidence, abruptness, inappropriate - ness, for me being some kind of douche. I’m not a douche, you’re a douche, I have a brain injury. But who asks that question “do you think this guy has a brain injury?” I’m still a person and it’s hard to be dismissed over something that is so complicated and almost impossible to explain. I don’t even get it, how can I explain it?
I am so proud of my friends currently. I know it’s a lot of work to deal with me and my problems but it’s really nice. People don’t have to drop off the face of the earth but you know brain injury or no, if you stop going out, people are going to forget about you. If your face isn’t out there, well you know what they say “out of sight out of mind” and it’s true for most people. But the whole point of this brotherhood is that we don’t have to see each other to know that we are boys. It’s a place in your heart and Jeff Herzig said it so well when he said “most people don’t have the opportunity to see who has your back, but you do”. These lasting friendships that just don’t make sense, that is my humble.
We each have a place in each others hearts and even though I’m not out there hanging at the bars with you guys anymore, I still feel as close to you as I did the day I left. The day I left…I feel so proud of where this life has taken us. I might be on the sidelines recovering from a severe brain injury but you guys are doing it at DITO. You guys are really making it and it’s killing me that I’m not there beside you to help you, to be a part of the dream we once shared.
“and from the sidelines”
There is a National Traumatic Brain Injury conference each year in Williamsburg, VA this year it was June 2-4. Brian McCarthy is the Director of Adapt and Westwood Clubhouses which are programs of Brain Injury Services, INC. Brian and my case manager Chris Swenson also headed up a young men’s activity group from BIS that we named “Wise Guys”. We do activities like shooting pool, bowling, going out to dinner, we’ve talked about canoeing, paint ball and some other activities because after a brain injury some survivors have to relearn social skills and how to make new friends after brain injury.
Brian was a speaker at the Conference on the importance of social and recreational activities after brain injury. He asked me if I would be willing to do a video interview that he could include in his presentation. (Heck yeah, I’ll do it!) He came to the house, showed me the slide show presentation he had prepared for the conference and then to the screened porch we went. Brian asked a series of questions and video taped my answers. That was awesome! I was so honored to be able to be one of THE voices for brain injury awareness and at such an important conference for brain injury. When the copy of the video is available, I hope to be able to link the video to the blog so keep tuned in. Brian said the feedback was “awesome” and so that is getting me amped up for the next step…
BIS has a wait listed service they call “The Speakers Bureau” that assists brain injury survivors to cultivate their story, help them learn public speaking techniques and become comfortable with sharing the intimate details of their injury and BIS facilitates the speaking engagements. So, on the heels of the best man speech and the aforementioned TBI conference video I feel poised to take the next step in my life’s journey. So, it’s the wait list game again but I am really looking forward to it! What’s next? I have a story to tell.
To Neil’s Mom: thank you for paying us a visit and also for your kind words about inspiration. It’s comments like these that will me to KEEP pushing. If I can inspire, then that is the inspiration for me. Who gets a chance to have their daily struggle be an inspiration to someone else? Thank you.
To everyone: My mother is typing this post while I dictate . It takes me a long time to gather my thoughts on what to post but when it comes to me it just flows but what you might not know is that I can’t stay on task long enough to include details. If you get a text from me or an email, it will be short and to the point. I need to get the information or communication out before the thought is gone and once it’s gone, it’s gone. I have forgotten what I was doing because an email came through or another thought came through or the dog walked past - I have had about 10 partial posts, none of them completing a full thought. Anything longer than a few sentences and I’m either repeating myself, or are totally off track. It is so frustrating and much easier to give up, but I don’t give up.
Maybe a voice recorder would work for some but a voice recorder doesn’t help me stay on task; I need a person to help reel me back in. My therapists actually think this is the best way for me to be able to release and communicate the feelings that I have without the frustration of trying to think, stay on task and type at the same time. Does this make me less of a man because I need an assistant to help me write? No, it makes me smart because I am becoming aware of my short comings and am adjusting accordingly. This works until it doesn’t.
My name is Mike Rosner, and I sustained a severe traumatic brain injury on October 21, 2007 after driving while intoxicated…this is my story.
I think I tend to overestimate my abilities or progress, but with the recent events I feel it hard to deny that I am progressing in areas that surprised even me. My brother got married on Saturday may 22, and I was honored to be chosen as the best man. The events leading up to the actual wedding were kind of hairy in that its not always easy for me to keep up with what’s going on.
One of the duties of the best man is throwing a bachelor party and so as it turned out, we had plenty of time to work on it. I knew ahead of time that I would have difficulty keeping track of all communication but I didn’t REALLY realize how difficult it would be. I found out that it was not possible for me to keep track of the texts coming in, the emails, the phone calls, the voice mails…I couldn’t do it. I felt so confused that I just stopped taking information in. I got stuck. It”s hard to explain what it feels like but “flustered” I guess is a good descriptor. So, I thought to make a central repository for thoughts and ideas by creating a social network event on Facebook for the bachelor party.
The problem with that is, people are used to being in contact in other ways with which they have no problem, but that I would still struggle to keep up with. I felt like I was on the verge of letting Nate down which would mean I was letting the brain injury win. I didn’t feel like I was the best man. I needed to use a compensatory strategy, for instance taking notes when people called, but that in it’s self is a challenge. I’m still not good at doing what I never HAD to do before. I understand that I NEED to be a good note taker, that I HAVE to be a good note taker but it’s coming to grips with the difficulty I am facing now, that is STILL the issue. It’s not that its overly difficult, it’s crazy, you CAN’T understand, it feels like it must be impossible to understand because it feels like I still don’t truly get it. I have a hard time accepting the differences, but I AM still progressing.
Ideally, I would be writing down the details when someone calls to use two senses to make the information create a memory but that doesn’t happen as often as I need it to happen. If I should take a note, I run into the issue of over estimating…(here it comes again)…over estimating my abilities. I misjudge my ability to remember and only write down a few words and then when I look back at my notes,there isn’t enough to help my brain recall the information that I needed to remember.
There’s no way to explain this but I can’t see that I am not healed. I can’t see that my thoughts, the processes for thinking and analyzing are different. Most of the time, I don’t understand why I still need therapy but looking back, it’s different, I see it different. Looking back I can see that the frustration and disappointment of facing and not being able to meet my own expectations, comes out as anger, which is resentment toward myself, played out as anger toward those closest to me. Seeing it, facing it is all very confusing and then the progress that I’ve made is impossible for me to measure because although I know that I’ve come a lifetime away from coming home Jan 4, 2008, I still cant grasp it. I can’t hold on to it.
I know its not just me, I’m pretty strong but how blessed am I that I have come this far? What did I do to myself (hind sight, right?)? What an idiot! I had a lot of fun but it was not worth it. The mental fatigue of a brain injury is so draining. it’s not that hard, this rehab stuff. it’s all pretty simple in theory but the drain on my brain from just trying to remember what one person said on a five minute phone call is ridiculous. Physically, I’m good. The mental fatigue is a killer. I thought I was going to end up letting Nate down and I couldn’t take that so what ended up happening was that I had to rely on one of Nate’s friends to be MY best man. If I was a poet like Nate, I would probably be able to whip up a rhyme or two for “datsar“, but I’m not, all I got is thanks, thanks a lot - BIG UPS John, nothin’ but love!
The best man speech was daunting. Again, I was able to plan ahead and enlisted the help of my “area renowned” speech therapist. she helped with the organization of my thoughts, providing an outline template that I could use to plan for formatting the speech. the content was relatively easy because I knew what i wanted to say but I struggled with organizing my thoughts much like posting on the blog. It’s much easier for me to dictate what I want to say, while someone else types because my thoughts get lost. So, in writing the best man speech, I was able to catagorize my notes and distribute them to the outline accordingly. It took a few weeks to actually write the speech and then practiced delivery with my therapist, “take a breath here, pause here, hurry through here, take another breath, animate this part”. Breaths, emphases and pauses were notated with underlining and slashes.
I had practiced to the point that I wasn’t nervous,it was just “finish the speech” when the time came. I practiced one last time in the stairwell and then SHOWTIME! Honestly, I don’t know that it could have gone any better. I felt relieved afterwards, a big weight lifted and still receiving compliments a week later.
It was awesome! I knew it was good when I saw Nate and sylvette’s reaction. They were as proud of me as I was of them. So, I guess the hard work is paying off.
A week later though, I am still recovering. The most significant event of my life thus far, has been my brother getting married and me fulfilling the duties of the best man. Mentally, it was exhausting which wore me down physically. This last month has been my K2! I’d like to say it was my Everest but I can only hope that my life’s journey is not finished and that somewhere in the future lies an event that will surpass. I am still the older SINGLE brother.
Congratulations to the two youts, Nathan and Sylvette Rosner.
“I am still pushing you” is tattooed on my back, in Chinese characters as a kind of means of motivation, to say that “someone” is still pushing me. I’m not sure there could have been another time where these words would have meant as much. I don’t actually read mandarin, so some parts of it may have gotten “lost in translation.” With everything that has taken place in my life especially recently that is exactly what I need, someone to continue pushing me.
Death is so final. That is what gets me sometimes because it is so final but with me it wasn’t. I don’t know that it matters “why” as much as what I do with it. So much death has taken place in recent months I feel like everyone is dying off but that’s not what’s really happening. There are good things that happen but we just can’t see them because our immediate attention is pulled toward tragedy.
My Aunt Darby died at the end of December. She was my mother’s younger sister. No one saw it coming. she wasn’t sick, her heart just stopped beating. Her brain was without oxygen for over 15 minutes. It was the first death that I’d been a part of where someone was in a coma after a brain injury only I was on the outside this time. As morbid as it sounds it was interesting for me to be a part of it. It felt awful seeing her in a coma because I felt like my situation inspired people to have hope for her but it made me feel sorry that I survived at times. Not because I didn’t want to live or wished it was me but because my survival gave our family hope when maybe there should have been none. It was an awesome experience for me to see the other side of the hospital bed but in those awesome feelings was confusion. One of the things that was important during those times were the facts. It was really important for me to remember the facts. There were times when I couldn’t remember what was going on and unknowingly put my foot in my mouth. I was confused at times because she was still alive but it seemed like everyone was talking about her like she was dead. Because of the memory problems I have it created a huge challenge for me to keep on top of what was going on. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing but I wanted to be there for my family. I was able to talk to my speech therapist about what I should do in this situation. She suggested I write down daily updates so I would know the facts for the day. I think through her death, I gained an awareness that I had lost since my accident. An awareness of how what we say or do effects others. It was like she passed me a baton. An empathetic baton for me to continue running with. You know she never felt like she was a part of my recovery but I hope that I honored her with a better awareness of how others are reacting to situations. I want her to know that she did help in my recovery and that although it was through her death, she played an instrumental part. Most people know me as Mike but my close friends and family know that my first name is actually Jennings. From a young age, my Aunt Darby always called me Professor Jennings. I hope to honor her dream by continuing this recovery and becoming again the intellectual she always saw in me and that I aspire to become again.
It was that baton to ready myself for the next tragedy. My step dad’s brother and his family were murdered in Appomattox, January 19, 2010 and with the increased awareness I had from Darby’s passing I was able to give it the attention it deserved. The Appomattox murders required attention from my back up again, my mother and without her, it was up to me to “cotinue pushing me”. Part of me relying on me is that I need to be totally aware of where I am in space. Just like when I was going through rehab, my equilibrium was off and I needed to be able to conceptualize where I was in space. It was that “where am I?” kind of thought. When fully realized, this disability becomes easier to deal with if I utilize the strategies I’d been taught. So it becomes important for me to build off of that but that’s where it gets confusing. I still see myself as the person I was and the person I was doesn’t need these strategies. It’s kind of difficult concept to grasp. Me seeing the same way but thinking a different way. Things ARE different. Learning to take my time because processing is hampered is exhausting. The whole fact that processing is hampered is hard to accept because that’s not me. It’s NOT me, it’s who I’ve become and I don’t know that person, yet.
If you think about it, my life started over on October 21, 2007, I still have the body and life experience of a 27 year old but the mind of a two year old or maybe in dog years, a 14 year old. It’s hard for me to conceptualize the difference of who I was, who I am so I can just imagine how difficult it is for my friends. I love this life I have now though because when I think about it, I think I can truly appreciate these lessons I’ve been learning. as sad as the events have been, the gain - empathy, patience, love of family and that life is amazing. This life is awesome AWE some - awe inspiring despite all the tragedies. Just out of nowhere life ends and that is what makes life awesome. Because in the blink of an eye, the magnitude of one event to change an entire life is magnificent. it’s not just thank God for today but I thank you for the time I get to spend with the people I love. Whether it’s 10 minutes, 2 days, 9 or 99 years it’s time spent because life could end tomorrow.
I mean seriously, is it not? Not only my recovery but the……overwhelming, I feel unworthy. Ha (breakaway scene from Wayne’s World? Garth on his knees “I’m not worthy”) overwhelming SUPPORT.
The Celebration of Life ‘09 was humbling; I know sometimes I can be hard to deal with, tired, moody, frustrated, hard headed, I’m sure I am rude and insensitive and can come off as egotistical but how many times can you say I’m sorry? Thank you is not even enough, I do feel unworthy. The weather sucked, it was cold and rainy not a nice day at all but people showed up. I think I’ve learned not to question things when they seem too good to be true but that’s when I’m humbled and the support is so much more than for what I feel worthy. But I do thank you because that celebration propelled me with the energy I need to keep going. I know I had gotten myself into a funk and couldn’t see my way out but when the planning started, that’s all I could think about. The weather forecast was cold and rainy and we didn’t have a rain date. I thought maybe no one would come or less people would come but what ended up happening was awesome. My memory is not good but I know what happened, I think for the most part I remember who came and for that I am thankful. People traveled from as far as South Carolina and although the weather kept some people away, it was still one of the best days of my life so far. The party, then a movie and then a bar with no drinking. That day was incredible.THANK YOU!
My schedule seems like it’s gotten more regular now. I have the areas best brain injury rehab therapists…we live in the nations capital so our area has the best of the country and our country leads the world, so do I have the worlds best therapists? That is something to think about. Sometimes my schedule feels hectic with pluses and minuses. The plus is, I have the opportunity to have formal therapy every day. The minus is, I have formal therapy every day. Some days therapy is one hour, sometimes its two hours but therapy feels like a full work day. It used to feel like a full work day with over time but I think that’s getting better. My speech therapist is working with me on the intricacies of improving memory and overall recovery. Cognitive rehab helps me with planning and organizing and using new strategies. My other therapist helps me deal with the emotional and social parts of recovering. All of them say that I am above the marker of what I should have been able to recover and they feel because of that, that I have the potential to keep improving. I just have to “buy into” accepting the changes. I work hard when I’m with them and accept what they say because I know they have my best interest at heart but its a fine line between them telling me and knowing what I should do and then what I think I need to do. I think if I accept it maybe that’s accepting defeat but that’s probably hard to understand.
I think that if people understood, it would be easier for me. But then how could it make sense to you because I feel like I try to make it seem easy, like I laugh it off and like its just another day. As much as I would like to think I’m ok, I’m not ok. I feel like I can do the bob and weave type action but I know that I have a long road ahead of me. Its not just how far I’ve come and the relationships I’ve built to help me get through this the most difficult situation in life, but I am growing older and time keeps moving and what am I doing? I am going to have to be recovering for the rest of my life. The rest of my life. This is not just hard, it is more than I can even explain. The things I do aren’t hard when I think about the simple things that I do in rehab but it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It’s not hard but it is hard. Its a conundrum.
I can laugh about being a lazy, fat guy and I can work on that but who cares. I can change my body with this brain injury. Its what I cant fix that I can’t even talk about. Its not impossible but the way I feel sometimes is that “you could have fooled me”. Sometimes it feels impossible.
I’m not the same and I realize that. My friends realize that. I’ts too hard. It happened and it is what it is. It’s not outwardly apparent and because of that you have no clue how difficult it is. I don’t want it to sound like poor me, poor Michael because I did this to myself. I’m not asking for a short cut, but I feel like I can make it seem like there’s nothing wrong with me but it appears that maybe I’m not that good at it. What people don’t get is that me just trying to make it seem like there’s nothing wrong is so hard. I cant, how could I tell my friends how I feel about the changes and how difficult everything, and I mean everything is. I realize the fact that I’m not the same but I am the same. I still have the same head, I still have similar thoughts but I may not have the same actions or reactions to things. I feel like I am the same but evidently I am not pulling off this charade as well as I thought. Am I over confident or just…. I do know that I’m not the type to sit around and watch things go by and I want to be a part of my own life. So the other day it became apparent that it’s not them being protective of me, it’s them protecting themselves from me. That is really difficult to swallow.
I get it. But what I’m saying is being in a normal working environment helps me push myself and that’s what I do. That’s what I’m trying to do. It may not seem like I do much to you but like I said, just the action of trying to be like everyone else is more than I can even give words to. I push everyday to do everything, anything. You have no idea. But I do get it and I understand everyone has their own lives and everyone needs to do what they have to do.
Yesterday was the annual turkey bowl. I feel so grateful for being able to walk on to the field and still being embraced by my friends and I am filled with gratitude. But then, no more touchy feely stuff and the next second, I think “let’s get it on”. My mother doesn’t want to watch the games because shes a wimp and I did get hurt. I tackled people, I got tackled and I got hurt. I got elbowed in the face, I hurt my knee and I don’t know that it was good for me, it probably wasn’t. But those few hours on Saturday is what it’s all about. Its times like that, being with my friends, is what I need. That is coming back. It was good for me. There are no real words to explain how good it felt to be tackled. No words but all words.
You know you never realize how important your friends are until the threat of them being taken away or them walking away is real.
It’s getting close to Christmas time again and I remember reading on the blog when all I wanted was a haircut. But those days are long gone. I must be coming back, I got a list this time. For these days, I give thanks to God, to the people who support me and all of you. I’m not sure that I’m worthy.
I want to express my sincere gratitude for everyone who joined us as we celebrated life and yet another year since my accident. The weather was less than ideal and for that reason I am so appreciative for those of you that were able to come out in the rain and cold, I know you didn’t have to do so. Thank you.
I had a great time and I do hope you did as well. It was so great to see everyone. I am humbled by the support that I’ve been given because I know that sometimes this thing, I can be difficult. It’s taken two years to get here but after a day like yesterday, I feel energized to continue further. I don’t know what the next step is going to be or if there’s a next milestone but what I have just witnessed will carry me to where ever this journey leads.
After we left the rainy soggy park, we warmed up and dried off. Then we went to a movie. THEN we went to a place, a bar in fact that I had frequented many times before my accident. It was nice to go to a place I had been to so many times before. Only this time, I was able to walk out standing, SOBER, not intoxicated. I was able to come full circle yesterday from beginning the cold rainy day with the people I hold so dear to my heart and ending the day walking out of a bar with the friends that possibly two years to the day walked in to the same bar but this time it was different. We walked in sober, walked out sober and I can honestly say that I had more fun than ever. This was probably the best day of my life since accident. THANK YOU ALL!!!
FULL CIRCLE. Who would have thought two years ago walking out of the same bar so much would happen to us all? We hold each other up, united we stand.
Having just watched the new video, I come to think. How far I have already come and to translate it (the progress) into a term or terms understandable for people NOT in my shoes. I just started a new therapy with an area renowned speech therapist. I think, I hope, that this will be yet another step leap in the right direction. For me, this time around, this life I’d been blessed enough to be granted a second chance at attempting to do the right things, to treat people right, and to treat myself right.
My friends are treating me the same way I hope to have the courage to treat the new people as they come into my life, with patience, understanding, and respect.
I just had another birthday, 27 years to find purpose?
I guess, ya know I’m not even sure about purpose so much anymore. I think it is more about direction.
In which direction am I headed? Well, right now I can say that at least it’s not destructive. So sure, I’ve traveled, I’ve been to the beach on both coasts, I’ve even been snorkeling in the Carribean. I’ve been to school and learned new things.
I feel like now it is time to do those same, similar things PBI (post brain injury). After all I’m going to (knock on wood) be a brain injury survivor for a long time coming.
Such a drastic change from October 2007, geez 2007? Seems like a lifetime ago, oh how things change. I feel like it’s up to us to try and continue to make changes as positive as possible.
Yes, it (this journey after trauma) is not over, but it is still moving forward and as of yet there is no way to stop time from continuing to progress. So,if you’re going to work on anything, try to make its impact as positive as possible.
From where I stand currently that is at least my perspective.
Look, I’m coming to realize that maybe I’m setting my goals too high. I mean I have always been a huge dreamer, dreams of a fortune 500 company, a 100ft+ yacht, an astrophysicist!!!!
I live at home and I just turned 27, granted I did suffer severe head trauma and I do realize its live at home again……still, no excuse in my mind.
I feel like it is all collapsing on me again….I feel like this has happened to me before. Throughout my life I have had serious ebbs and flows like I just can’t get it right.
Maybe its that HE hasn’t figured out my plan, all-knowing……I don’t want to be blasphomous but….all-knowing should mean, ahhhh scratch that……I don’t even know what I’m talking about posting on the world-wide web this gutter trash. Who am I kidding?
Am I giving you hope? Does it help you to read about another man’s struggle?
I feel like I’m crazy or at least soon-to-be. Have I lost my mind?
consider the following:
enter stage left - one man with an appetite for destruction, who drinks away his sorrows. Add the alcohol, make sure it is an obscene amount, mix in a muscle relaxer/pain killer to increase the effect of that alcohol.
There also once was this jeep wrangler that the “fellow” would use to cruise around. It wasn’t a very nice vehicle, but it got him around.
Then consider that this person was living in Arlington, VA at the time and would on occasion visit his parents who live in Manassas, VA. Succomb to maybe a type of self-inflicting peer pressure, he drinks to excess.
So we have an obviously intoxicated person who then may make the descision to drive home as he then decides to take the pain pill. Is it any wonder there was an accident to follow? Maybe the surprising part is the extent of his injuries and how he has lived to tell the tale, perhaps being able to pay it forward in communicating his story. Severe Traumatic Brain injury, coma for about 30 days, and then a lifetime of rehab.
Hey, at least he’s no longer drinking.
I read a quote that said “Unless a man undertakes more than he possibly can do, he will never
do all that he can”.
what the *&@!#$ happened to me?
I used to be somewhat of a “Renaissance” man before severe head trauma, working as a systems engineer,realtor, recruiter…..an all around “do-anything and everything” type of guy, the quintessential type of person.
Now I’m just another “baroque” man……intelligence still intact, and lesson learned, the hard way
Still though, I mean I seemed to have not only been knocked down by severe head trauma but also by the Gods. I’ve come so close to death so many times by disrespecting life…fate seems to have caught up with me. I mean come on, give me just one break, make one thing easy. I’ve always been fairly independant though and this seems to be another one of these many, many stumbling blocks on my way to at least some kind of ultimate victory.
I realize that this is Mike Rosner’s blog and countless numbers of kind people have come by to visit me.
Well, we can count actually……I added back the cluster map so that we could count. So I thank all of you, thank you for caring about one families’ struggle back from the darkest place anyone would ever choose to visit.
I had practiced to the point that I wasn’t nervous,it was just “finish the speech” when the time came. I practiced one last time in the stairwell and then SHOWTIME! Honestly, I don’t know that it could have gone any better. I felt relieved afterwards, a big weight lifted and still 
life thus far, has been my brother