Posted by mike on Jan 31, 2010 in
Mike's Posts “I am still pushing you” is tattooed on my back, in Chinese characters as a kind of means of motivation, to say that “someone” is still pushing me. I’m not sure there could have been another time where these words would have meant as much. I don’t actually read mandarin, so some parts of it may have gotten “lost in translation.” With everything that has taken place in my life especially recently that is exactly what I need, someone to continue pushing me.
Death is so final. That is what gets me sometimes because it is so final but with me it wasn’t. I don’t know that it matters “why” as much as what I do with it. So much death has taken place in recent months I feel like everyone is dying off but that’s not what’s really happening. There are good things that happen but we just can’t see them because our immediate attention is pulled toward tragedy.
My Aunt Darby died at the end of December. She was my mother’s younger sister. No one saw it coming. she wasn’t sick, her heart just stopped beating. Her brain was without oxygen for over 15 minutes. It was the first death that I’d been a part of where someone was in a coma after a brain injury only I was on the outside this time. As morbid as it sounds it was interesting for me to be a part of it. It felt awful seeing her in a coma because I felt like my situation inspired people to have hope for her but it made me feel sorry that I survived at times. Not because I didn’t want to live or wished it was me but because my survival gave our family hope when maybe there should have been none. It was an awesome experience for me to see the other side of the hospital bed but in those awesome feelings was confusion. One of the things that was important during those times were the facts. It was really important for me to remember the facts. There were times when I couldn’t remember what was going on and unknowingly put my foot in my mouth. I was confused at times because she was still alive but it seemed like everyone was talking about her like she was dead. Because of the memory problems I have it created a huge challenge for me to keep on top of what was going on. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing but I wanted to be there for my family. I was able to talk to my speech therapist about what I should do in this situation. She suggested I write down daily updates so I would know the facts for the day. I think through her death, I gained an awareness that I had lost since my accident. An awareness of how what we say or do effects others. It was like she passed me a baton. An empathetic baton for me to continue running with. You know she never felt like she was a part of my recovery but I hope that I honored her with a better awareness of how others are reacting to situations. I want her to know that she did help in my recovery and that although it was through her death, she played an instrumental part. Most people know me as Mike but my close friends and family know that my first name is actually Jennings. From a young age, my Aunt Darby always called me Professor Jennings. I hope to honor her dream by continuing this recovery and becoming again the intellectual she always saw in me and that I aspire to become again.
It was that baton to ready myself for the next tragedy. My step dad’s brother and his family were murdered in Appomattox, January 19, 2010 and with the increased awareness I had from Darby’s passing I was able to give it the attention it deserved. The Appomattox murders required attention from my back up again, my mother and without her, it was up to me to “cotinue pushing me”. Part of me relying on me is that I need to be totally aware of where I am in space. Just like when I was going through rehab, my equilibrium was off and I needed to be able to conceptualize where I was in space. It was that “where am I?” kind of thought. When fully realized, this disability becomes easier to deal with if I utilize the strategies I’d been taught. So it becomes important for me to build off of that but that’s where it gets confusing. I still see myself as the person I was and the person I was doesn’t need these strategies. It’s kind of difficult concept to grasp. Me seeing the same way but thinking a different way. Things ARE different. Learning to take my time because processing is hampered is exhausting. The whole fact that processing is hampered is hard to accept because that’s not me. It’s NOT me, it’s who I’ve become and I don’t know that person, yet.
If you think about it, my life started over on October 21, 2007, I still have the body and life experience of a 27 year old but the mind of a two year old or maybe in dog years, a 14 year old. It’s hard for me to conceptualize the difference of who I was, who I am so I can just imagine how difficult it is for my friends. I love this life I have now though because when I think about it, I think I can truly appreciate these lessons I’ve been learning. as sad as the events have been, the gain - empathy, patience, love of family and that life is amazing. This life is awesome AWE some - awe inspiring despite all the tragedies. Just out of nowhere life ends and that is what makes life awesome. Because in the blink of an eye, the magnitude of one event to change an entire life is magnificent. it’s not just thank God for today but I thank you for the time I get to spend with the people I love. Whether it’s 10 minutes, 2 days, 9 or 99 years it’s time spent because life could end tomorrow.
Mike
keep Hope Alive
Posted by mike on Nov 29, 2009 in
Mike's Posts I mean seriously, is it not? Not only my recovery but the……overwhelming, I feel unworthy. Ha (breakaway scene from Wayne’s World? Garth on his knees “I’m not worthy”) overwhelming SUPPORT.
The Celebration of Life ‘09 was humbling; I know sometimes I can be hard to deal with, tired, moody, frustrated, hard headed, I’m sure I am rude and insensitive and can come off as egotistical but how many times can you say I’m sorry? Thank you is not even enough, I do feel unworthy. The weather sucked, it was cold and rainy not a nice day at all but people showed up. I think I’ve learned not to question things when they seem too good to be true but that’s when I’m humbled and the support is so much more than for what I feel worthy. But I do thank you because that celebration propelled me with the energy I need to keep going. I know I had gotten myself into a funk and couldn’t see my way out but when the planning started, that’s all I could think about. The weather forecast was cold and rainy and we didn’t have a rain date. I thought maybe no one would come or less people would come but what ended up happening was awesome. My memory is not good but I know what happened, I think for the most part I remember who came and for that I am thankful. People traveled from as far as South Carolina and although the weather kept some people away, it was still one of the best days of my life so far. The party, then a movie and then a bar with no drinking. That day was incredible. THANK YOU!
My schedule seems like it’s gotten more regular now. I have the areas best brain injury rehab therapists…we live in the nations capital so our area has the best of the country and our country leads the world, so do I have the worlds best therapists? That is something to think about. Sometimes my schedule feels hectic with pluses and minuses. The plus is, I have the opportunity to have formal therapy every day. The minus is, I have formal therapy every day. Some days therapy is one hour, sometimes its two hours but therapy feels like a full work day. It used to feel like a full work day with over time but I think that’s getting better. My speech therapist is working with me on the intricacies of improving memory and overall recovery. Cognitive rehab helps me with planning and organizing and using new strategies. My other therapist helps me deal with the emotional and social parts of recovering. All of them say that I am above the marker of what I should have been able to recover and they feel because of that, that I have the potential to keep improving. I just have to “buy into” accepting the changes. I work hard when I’m with them and accept what they say because I know they have my best interest at heart but its a fine line between them telling me and knowing what I should do and then what I think I need to do. I think if I accept it maybe that’s accepting defeat but that’s probably hard to understand.
I think that if people understood, it would be easier for me. But then how could it make sense to you because I feel like I try to make it seem easy, like I laugh it off and like its just another day. As much as I would like to think I’m ok, I’m not ok. I feel like I can do the bob and weave type action but I know that I have a long road ahead of me. Its not just how far I’ve come and the relationships I’ve built to help me get through this the most difficult situation in life, but I am growing older and time keeps moving and what am I doing? I am going to have to be recovering for the rest of my life. The rest of my life. This is not just hard, it is more than I can even explain. The things I do aren’t hard when I think about the simple things that I do in rehab but it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It’s not hard but it is hard. Its a conundrum.
I can laugh about being a lazy, fat guy and I can work on that but who cares. I can change my body with this brain injury. Its what I cant fix that I can’t even talk about. Its not impossible but the way I feel sometimes is that “you could have fooled me”. Sometimes it feels impossible.
I’m not the same and I realize that. My friends realize that. I’ts too hard. It happened and it is what it is. It’s not outwardly apparent and because of that you have no clue how difficult it is. I don’t want it to sound like poor me, poor Michael because I did this to myself. I’m not asking for a short cut, but I feel like I can make it seem like there’s nothing wrong with me but it appears that maybe I’m not that good at it. What people don’t get is that me just trying to make it seem like there’s nothing wrong is so hard. I cant, how could I tell my friends how I feel about the changes and how difficult everything, and I mean everything is. I realize the fact that I’m not the same but I am the same. I still have the same head, I still have similar thoughts but I may not have the same actions or reactions to things. I feel like I am the same but evidently I am not pulling off this charade as well as I thought. Am I over confident or just…. I do know that I’m not the type to sit around and watch things go by and I want to be a part of my own life. So the other day it became apparent that it’s not them being protective of me, it’s them protecting themselves from me. That is really difficult to swallow.
I get it. But what I’m saying is being in a normal working environment helps me push myself and that’s what I do. That’s what I’m trying to do. It may not seem like I do much to you but like I said, just the action of trying to be like everyone else is more than I can even give words to. I push everyday to do everything, anything. You have no idea. But I do get it and I understand everyone has their own lives and everyone needs to do what they have to do.
Yesterday was the annual turkey bowl. I feel so grateful for being able to walk on to the field and still being embraced by my friends and I am filled with gratitude. But then, no more touchy feely stuff and the next second, I think “let’s get it on”. My mother doesn’t want to watch the games because shes a wimp and I did get hurt. I tackled people, I got tackled and I got hurt. I got elbowed in the face, I hurt my knee and I don’t know that it was good for me, it probably wasn’t. But those few hours on Saturday is what it’s all about. Its times like that, being with my friends, is what I need. That is coming back. It was good for me. There are no real words to explain how good it felt to be tackled. No words but all words.
You know you never realize how important your friends are until the threat of them being taken away or them walking away is real.
It’s getting close to Christmas time again and I remember reading on the blog when all I wanted was a haircut. But those days are long gone. I must be coming back, I got a list this time. For these days, I give thanks to God, to the people who support me and all of you. I’m not sure that I’m worthy.
Mike
Posted by mike on Oct 19, 2009 in
Mike's Posts I want to express my sincere gratitude for everyone who joined us as we celebrated life and yet another year since my accident. The weather was less than ideal and for that reason I am so appreciative for those of you that were able to come out in the rain and cold, I know you didn’t have to do so. Thank you.
I had a great time and I do hope you did as well. It was so great to see everyone. I am humbled by the support that I’ve been given because I know that sometimes this thing, I can be difficult. It’s taken two years to get here but after a day like yesterday, I feel energized to continue further. I don’t know what the next step is going to be or if there’s a next milestone but what I have just witnessed will carry me to where ever this journey leads.
After we left the rainy soggy park, we warmed up and dried off. Then we went to a movie. THEN we went to a place, a bar in fact that I had frequented many times before my accident. It was nice to go to a place I had been to so many times before. Only this time, I was able to walk out standing, SOBER, not intoxicated. I was able to come full circle yesterday from beginning the cold rainy day with the people I hold so dear to my heart and ending the day walking out of a bar with the friends that possibly two years to the day walked in to the same bar but this time it was different. We walked in sober, walked out sober and I can honestly say that I had more fun than ever. This was probably the best day of my life since accident. THANK YOU ALL!!!
FULL CIRCLE. Who would have thought two years ago walking out of the same bar so much would happen to us all? We hold each other up, united we stand.
Keep Hope Alive
Posted by mike on Oct 7, 2009 in
Mike's Posts Having just watched the new video, I come to think. How far I have already come and to translate it (the progress) into a term or terms understandable for people NOT in my shoes. I just started a new therapy with an area renowned speech therapist. I think, I hope, that this will be yet another step leap in the right direction. For me, this time around, this life I’d been blessed enough to be granted a second chance at attempting to do the right things, to treat people right, and to treat myself right.
My friends are treating me the same way I hope to have the courage to treat the new people as they come into my life, with patience, understanding, and respect.
I just had another birthday, 27 years to find purpose?
I guess, ya know I’m not even sure about purpose so much anymore. I think it is more about direction.
In which direction am I headed? Well, right now I can say that at least it’s not destructive. So sure, I’ve traveled, I’ve been to the beach on both coasts, I’ve even been snorkeling in the Carribean. I’ve been to school and learned new things.
I feel like now it is time to do those same, similar things PBI (post brain injury). After all I’m going to (knock on wood) be a brain injury survivor for a long time coming.
Such a drastic change from October 2007, geez 2007? Seems like a lifetime ago, oh how things change. I feel like it’s up to us to try and continue to make changes as positive as possible.
Yes, it (this journey after trauma) is not over, but it is still moving forward and as of yet there is no way to stop time from continuing to progress. So,if you’re going to work on anything, try to make its impact as positive as possible.
From where I stand currently that is at least my perspective.
Posted by mike on Aug 25, 2009 in
Mike's Posts Look, I’m coming to realize that maybe I’m setting my goals too high. I mean I have always been a huge dreamer, dreams of a fortune 500 company, a 100ft+ yacht, an astrophysicist!!!!
I live at home and I just turned 27, granted I did suffer severe head trauma and I do realize its live at home again……still, no excuse in my mind.
I feel like it is all collapsing on me again….I feel like this has happened to me before. Throughout my life I have had serious ebbs and flows like I just can’t get it right.
Maybe its that HE hasn’t figured out my plan, all-knowing……I don’t want to be blasphomous but….all-knowing should mean, ahhhh scratch that……I don’t even know what I’m talking about posting on the world-wide web this gutter trash. Who am I kidding?
Am I giving you hope? Does it help you to read about another man’s struggle?
I feel like I’m crazy or at least soon-to-be. Have I lost my mind?
Posted by mike on Aug 4, 2009 in
Mike's Posts consider the following:
enter stage left - one man with an appetite for destruction, who drinks away his sorrows. Add the alcohol, make sure it is an obscene amount, mix in a muscle relaxer/pain killer to increase the effect of that alcohol.
There also once was this jeep wrangler that the “fellow” would use to cruise around. It wasn’t a very nice vehicle, but it got him around.
Then consider that this person was living in Arlington, VA at the time and would on occasion visit his parents who live in Manassas, VA. Succomb to maybe a type of self-inflicting peer pressure, he drinks to excess.
So we have an obviously intoxicated person who then may make the descision to drive home as he then decides to take the pain pill. Is it any wonder there was an accident to follow? Maybe the surprising part is the extent of his injuries and how he has lived to tell the tale, perhaps being able to pay it forward in communicating his story. Severe Traumatic Brain injury, coma for about 30 days, and then a lifetime of rehab.
Hey, at least he’s no longer drinking.
I read a quote that said “Unless a man undertakes more than he possibly can do, he will never
do all that he can”.
Posted by mike on Jul 29, 2009 in
Mike's Posts what the *&@!#$ happened to me?
I used to be somewhat of a “Renaissance” man before severe head trauma, working as a systems engineer,realtor, recruiter…..an all around “do-anything and everything” type of guy, the quintessential type of person.
Now I’m just another “baroque” man……intelligence still intact, and lesson learned, the hard way
Still though, I mean I seemed to have not only been knocked down by severe head trauma but also by the Gods. I’ve come so close to death so many times by disrespecting life…fate seems to have caught up with me. I mean come on, give me just one break, make one thing easy. I’ve always been fairly independant though and this seems to be another one of these many, many stumbling blocks on my way to at least some kind of ultimate victory.
I realize that this is Mike Rosner’s blog and countless numbers of kind people have come by to visit me.
Well, we can count actually……I added back the cluster map so that we could count. So I thank all of you, thank you for caring about one families’ struggle back from the darkest place anyone would ever choose to visit.
Posted by mike on Jul 26, 2009 in
Mike's Posts When I was young me and my papa had beef
fifteen years old left out for ya place
Though back at the time, I never thought I’d see her face
Ain’t a woman alive that could take my mama’s place
Suspended from school; and scared to go home, I was a fool
With the big boys, breakin all the rules
I shead tears with my baby sister
And even though we had a Lame daddy, the same drama
I reminice on the stress I caused, I was hell
Phone calls for my mama from a jail cell
And who’d think in elementary?
Heeey! I’d see the penitentiary, one day
And runnin from the police, that’s right
Mama catch me, put a whoopin to my backside
And even me an alcoholic, mama
You always was THE General, mama
I finally understand
For a woman it ain’t easy tryin to raise a man
You always was committed
A single mother on her own, tell me how ya did it
There’s no way I can pay you back
But the plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated
Posted by mike on Jul 8, 2009 in
Mike's Posts OK, now start with little disclaimer. It is not my intention to offend and I do apologize in advance for doing so. But I’d been thinking that it is funny what we let pass these days. Speaking specifically toward people who have made peace with God but not with anyone else, espescially not to the people who have been offended or hurt by those specific or certain actions. Personally it has become a pet peeve of mine, for a person to say that they had made peace with God but NOT with the people who had been hurt by said actions. Now if anyone knows about the forgiveness of God it is obviously me, re:a letter to my pastor. Seriously though, you’re not dead yet, and just because maybe, and I stress the word maybe, the LORD has forgiven you does NOT mean everyone else has. Sorry if anyone was offended but it has been on my mind.
Keep hope alive
Posted by mike on Jun 28, 2009 in
Mike's Posts Alright, the time has come (again) and I feel it necessary for me to be healthy both mentally and physically for me to get a few things off my chest…..ala,”hello world”…..number one on my list is I LOVE AMANDA KIBBEN, sorry Chris but I think I do love you also just for just understanding. Amanda I am sorry to you because I feel as though I am soo needy now that I must be in constant communication with you. Not necessarily constant contact but maybe just daily would be nice.
Number two is Erin Gay, I posted on the blog, world-wide-web, a while back, something, an attack and it was unjust, I am sorry. I wrote you an email apologizing (weak and pathetic).
(Now you, more than likely do not care but it has been weighing on my conscience, thats right people IRON mike does have feelings, and I needed to get it off of my chest…so done and now back-to-business)
I read old comments on the blog almost daily because it helps give me a sense of the accomplishments I had made leading up to this the most important battle of my life and its not over, ha, far from over, its never over. I will forever be a traumatic brain injury survivor until maybe another fateful day when maybe I’m assassinated for being too awesome?
Until then…………