the unattainable

I go back and forth from what I should think about (positive, healthy thoughts) and what I shouldn’t think about. You know what you should do… but knowing is NOT half the battle, it is THE battle.  Depression. I hate what I did to myself. Therefore I hate myself. I have no one else to blame. I can’t escape this self loathing.

I have high performance expectations but I’ve been unable to meet them. There is so much confusion in my life. Am I comparing my level of achievement to my LBBI (life before brain injury) peers? Am I trying to attain what is unattainable with this altered brain?  I am a constant disappointment to myself. I hate this brain injury.

I had a brief interaction with someone without a brain injury who would see my struggles with self hate as issues related to her own self deprecation. There are striking similarities as far being unhappy with self and not being able to accept and love who you are or where you are in your life but I can’t help but think that this brain injury might keep me in this dark hole of anger and hatred of what I can’t change a little bit longer.

Relationships are STILL  suffering. It seems easy to blame a brain injury for miscommunications and you would think that four years later I would know how my reaction or lack of reaction, lack of communication or too much communication, too aggressive or too passive, how not being able to remember and needing to ask or to repeat…I should be able to understand how it affects others.

I don’t want to use the brain injury as an excuse but there really is a part of my brain that was damaged that makes it extremely difficult to read the emotions of others. I come off as aloof, not caring about anything or anyone other than myself. Is that who I’ve become? Am I now this person? Some may say that I was a lot of those things before but those who really know/knew me know that I love and I love deeply. I hope that my family and closer friends (who are family) recognize that I’m still here. I hate that it takes me going public (posting on the blog) to let you know how much you mean to me. I do care and I appreciate your loyalty and patience with me.

I HATE not being able to effectively communicate my thoughts.  It has taken months to be able to post on the blog again and it’s not because I didn’t want to. It is because I am unable to keep my thoughts straight and if I tried to post by myself without a “proxy”; someone to help me form my thoughts, keep me on track, reduce the decorations I add when I type what was a simple thought which causes “what did he say?”. It would be like trying to read Martian.  Makes sense to me but probably, only to me !?!? (that’s an exclaiming question) but it really wasn’t a question was it !!?!? See what I mean!!?!?!

Here’s a visual…we’re drinking a beer, hanging out on the dock and I fall deep in to the water. Big splash, everyone runs over to see what has happened.  I come up for a breath and it seems like maybe I’m going to be ok but the tide comes in and the waves start to crash against the dock. Someone says “Mike can swim, he’s strong and determined, he’ll make it. Keep up the good work Mike!” and the party continues.

I can swim but not like I could before I fell so deep in to the dark water. I keep swimming and swimming and swimming but, boy am I tired. Looking in to the water, it distorts your vision and although I look like the Mike that fell in to the water, I am no longer swimming like Mike or like anyone else. “What’s wrong with him? Why is he swimming like that? That’s not the way you’re supposed to swim Mike! Try harder!”  I see you, I hear you but the waves take me under again and again.  I am screaming “It is dark but I am here! I am sorry! I am trying to stay strong! Don’t forget about me!”

gotta go, Randy. the restaurants on fire.

mike