best man

I think I tend to overestimate my abilities or progress, but with the recent events I feel it hard to deny that I am progressing in areas that surprised even me. My brother got married on Saturday may 22, and I was honored to be chosen as the best man. The events leading up to the actual wedding were kind of hairy in that its not always easy for me to keep up with what’s going on.

One of the duties of the best man is throwing a bachelor party and so as it turned out, we had plenty of time to work on it. I knew ahead of time that I would have difficulty keeping track of all communication but I didn’t REALLY realize how difficult it would be.  I found out that it was not possible for me to keep track of the texts coming in, the emails, the phone calls, the voice mails…I couldn’t do it. I felt so confused that I just stopped taking information in. I got stuck. It”s hard to explain what it feels like but “flustered” I guess is a good descriptor. So, I thought to make a central repository for thoughts and ideas by creating a social network event on Facebook for the bachelor party.

The problem with that is, people are used to being  in contact in other ways with which they have no problem, but that I would still struggle to keep up with.  I felt like I was on the verge of letting Nate down which would mean I was letting the brain injury win.  I didn’t feel like I was the best man. I needed to use a compensatory strategy, for instance taking notes when people called, but that in it’s self is a challenge. I’m still not good at doing what I never HAD to do before. I understand that I NEED to be a good note taker, that I HAVE to be a good note taker but it’s coming to grips with the difficulty I am facing now, that is STILL the issue. It’s not that its overly difficult, it’s crazy, you CAN’T understand, it feels like it must be impossible to understand because it feels like I still don’t truly get it.  I have a hard time accepting the differences, but I AM still progressing.

Ideally, I would be writing down the details when someone calls to use two senses to make the information create a memory but that doesn’t happen as often as I need it to happen. If I should take a note, I run into the issue of over estimating…(here it comes again)…over estimating my abilities. I misjudge my ability to remember and only write down a few words and then when I look back at my notes,there isn’t enough to help my brain recall the information that I needed to remember.

There’s no way to explain this but I can’t see that I am not healed. I can’t see that my thoughts, the processes for thinking and analyzing are different. Most of the time, I don’t understand why I still need therapy but looking back, it’s different, I see it different.  Looking back I can see that the frustration and disappointment of facing and not being able to meet my own expectations, comes out as anger, which is resentment toward myself, played out as anger toward those closest to me.  Seeing it, facing it is all very confusing and then the progress that I’ve made is impossible for me to measure because although I know that I’ve come a lifetime away from coming home Jan 4, 2008, I still cant grasp it. I can’t hold on to it.

I know its not just me, I’m pretty strong but how blessed am I that I have come this far? What did I do to myself (hind sight, right?)? What an idiot! I had a lot of fun but it was not worth it. The mental fatigue of a brain injury is so draining. it’s not that hard, this rehab stuff. it’s all pretty simple in theory but the drain on my brain from just trying to remember what one person said on a five minute phone call is ridiculous. Physically, I’m good. The mental fatigue is a killer.  I thought I was going to end up letting Nate down and I couldn’t take that so what ended up happening was that I had to rely on one of Nate’s friends to be MY best man.  If I was a poet like Nate, I would probably be able to whip up a rhyme or two for “datsar“, but I’m not, all I got is thanks, thanks a lot - BIG UPS John, nothin’ but love!

The best man speech was daunting. Again, I was able to plan ahead and enlisted the help of my “area renowned” speech therapist. she helped with the organization of my thoughts, providing an outline template that I could use to plan for formatting the speech. the content was relatively easy because I knew what i wanted to say but I struggled with organizing my thoughts much like posting on the blog. It’s much easier for me to dictate what I want to say,  while someone else types because my thoughts get lost. So, in writing the best man speech, I was able to catagorize my notes and distribute them to the outline accordingly. It took a few weeks to actually write the speech and then practiced delivery with my therapist, “take a breath here, pause here, hurry through here, take another breath, animate this part”. Breaths, emphases and pauses were notated with underlining and slashes.

I had practiced to the point that I wasn’t nervous,it was just “finish the speech” when the time came.  I practiced one last time in the stairwell and then SHOWTIME! Honestly, I don’t know that it could have gone any better.  I felt relieved afterwards, a big weight lifted and still receiving compliments a week later.

It was awesome! I knew it was good when I saw Nate and sylvette’s reaction.  They were as proud of me as I was of them. So, I guess the hard work is paying off.

Mike Rosner’s Best Man Speech from rae rosner-new on Vimeo.

A week later though, I am still recovering.  The most significant event of my life thus far, has been my brother getting married and me fulfilling the duties of the best man. Mentally, it was exhausting which wore me down physically. This last month has been my K2!   I’d like to say it was my Everest but I can only hope that my life’s journey is not finished and that somewhere in the future lies an event that will surpass.  I am still the older SINGLE brother.

Congratulations to the two youts,  Nathan and Sylvette Rosner.

Till next time,

Mike

photos courtesy of Kellan Studios

www.kellanstudios.com