“I am still pushing you”

“I am still pushing you” is tattooed on my back,  in Chinese characters as a kind of means of motivation, to say that “someone” is still pushing me.  I’m not sure there could have been another time where these words would have meant as much.  I don’t actually read mandarin, so some parts of it may have gotten “lost in translation.”  With everything that has taken place in my life especially recently that is exactly what I need, someone to continue pushing me.

Death is so final. That is what gets me sometimes because it is so final but with me it wasn’t. I don’t know that it matters “why” as much as what I do with it. So much death has taken place in recent months I feel like everyone is dying off but that’s not what’s really happening. There are good things that happen but we just can’t see them because our immediate attention is pulled toward tragedy.

My Aunt Darby died at the end of  December. She was my mother’s younger sister.  No one saw it coming. she wasn’t sick, her heart just stopped beating. Her brain was without oxygen for over 15 minutes. It was the first death that I’d been a part of where someone was in a coma after a brain injury only I was on the outside this time. As morbid as it sounds it was interesting for me to be a part of it. It felt awful seeing her in a coma because I felt like my situation inspired people to have hope for her but it made me feel sorry that I survived at times. Not because I didn’t want to live or wished it was me but because my survival gave our family hope when maybe there should have been none. It was an awesome experience for me to see the other side of the hospital bed but in those awesome feelings was confusion. One of the things that was important during those times were the facts. It was really important for me to remember the facts. There were times when I couldn’t remember what was going on and unknowingly put my foot in my mouth.  I was confused at times because she was still alive but it seemed like everyone was talking about her like she was dead. Because of the memory problems I have it created a huge challenge for me to keep on top of what was going on. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing but I wanted to be there for my family. I was able to talk to my speech therapist about what I should do in this situation. She suggested I write down daily updates so I would know the facts for the day.  I think through her death, I gained an awareness that I had lost since my accident. An awareness of how what we say or do effects others. It was like she passed me a baton. An empathetic baton for me to continue running with.  You know she never felt like she was a part of my recovery but I hope that I honored her with a better awareness of  how others are reacting to situations. I want her to know that she did help in my recovery and that although it was through her death, she played an instrumental part. Most people know me as Mike but my close friends and family know that my first name is actually Jennings. From a young age, my Aunt Darby always called me Professor Jennings. I hope to honor her dream by continuing this recovery and becoming again the intellectual she always saw in me and that I aspire to become again.

It was that baton to ready myself for the next tragedy. My step dad’s brother and his family were murdered in Appomattox, January 19, 2010 and with the increased awareness I had from Darby’s passing I was able to give it the attention it deserved.  The Appomattox murders required attention from my back up again, my mother and without her, it was up to me to “cotinue pushing me”.  Part of me relying on me is that I need to be totally aware of where I am in space. Just like when I was going through rehab, my equilibrium was off and I needed to be able to conceptualize where I was in space. It was that “where am I?” kind of thought. When fully realized, this disability becomes easier to deal with if I utilize the strategies I’d been taught.  So it becomes important for me to build off of that but that’s where it gets confusing. I still see myself as the person I was and the person I was doesn’t need these strategies. It’s kind of difficult concept to grasp. Me seeing the same way but thinking a different way. Things ARE different. Learning to take my time because processing is hampered is exhausting. The whole fact that processing is hampered is hard to accept because that’s not me. It’s  NOT me, it’s who I’ve become and I don’t know that person, yet.

If you think about it, my life started over on October 21, 2007, I still have the body and life experience of a 27 year old but the mind of a two year old or maybe in dog years, a 14 year old. It’s hard for me to conceptualize the difference of who I was, who I am so I can just imagine how difficult it is for my friends. I love this life I have now though because when I think about it, I think I can truly appreciate these lessons I’ve been learning. as sad as the events have been, the gain - empathy, patience, love of family and that life is amazing. This life is awesome AWE some - awe inspiring despite all the tragedies. Just out of nowhere life ends and that is what makes life awesome.  Because in the blink of an eye, the magnitude of one event to change an entire life is magnificent.  it’s not just thank God for today but I thank you for the time I get to spend with the people I love. Whether it’s 10 minutes, 2 days, 9 or 99 years it’s time spent because life could end tomorrow.

Mike

keep Hope Alive