It’s amazing…..

I mean seriously, is it not?  Not only my recovery but the……overwhelming, I feel unworthy.  Ha (breakaway scene from Wayne’s World? Garth on his knees “I’m not worthy”) overwhelming SUPPORT.

The Celebration of Life ‘09 was humbling; I know sometimes I can be hard to deal with, tired, moody, frustrated, hard headed, I’m sure I am rude and insensitive and can come off as egotistical but how many times can you say I’m sorry? Thank you is not even enough, I do feel unworthy. The weather sucked, it was cold and rainy not a nice day at all but people showed up. I think I’ve learned not to question things when they seem too good to be true but that’s when I’m humbled and the support is so much more than for what I feel worthy. But I do thank you because that celebration propelled me with the energy I need to keep going. I know I had gotten myself into a funk and couldn’t see my way out but when the planning started, that’s all I could think about. The weather forecast was cold and rainy and we didn’t have a rain date. I thought maybe no one would come or less people would come but what ended up happening was awesome. My memory is not good but I know what happened, I think for the most part I remember who came and for that I am thankful. People traveled from as far as South Carolina and although the weather kept some people away, it was still one of the best days of my life so far. The party, then a movie and then a bar with no drinking. That day was incredible. THANK YOU!

My schedule seems like it’s gotten more regular now.  I have the areas best brain injury rehab therapists…we live in the nations capital so our area has the best of the country and our country leads the world, so do I have the worlds best therapists? That is something to think about. Sometimes my schedule feels hectic with pluses and minuses. The plus is, I have the opportunity to have formal therapy every day. The minus is, I have formal therapy every day. Some days therapy is one hour, sometimes its two hours but therapy feels like a full work day. It used to feel like a full work day with over time but I think that’s getting better. My speech therapist is working with me on the intricacies of improving memory and overall recovery. Cognitive rehab helps me with planning and organizing and using new strategies. My other therapist helps me deal with the emotional and social parts of recovering. All of them say that I am above the marker of what I should have been able to recover and they feel because of that, that I have the potential to keep improving. I just have to “buy into” accepting the changes. I work hard when I’m with them and accept what they say because I know they have my best interest at heart but its a fine line between them telling me and knowing what I should do and then what I think I need to do. I think if I accept it maybe that’s accepting defeat but that’s probably hard to understand.

I think that if people understood, it would be easier for me. But then how could it make sense to you because I feel like I try to make it seem easy, like I laugh it off and like its just another day. As much as I would like to think I’m ok, I’m not ok. I feel like I can do the bob and weave type action but I know that I have a long road ahead of me. Its not just how far I’ve come and the relationships I’ve built to help me get through this the most difficult situation in life, but I am growing older and time keeps moving and what am I doing? I am going to have to be recovering for the rest of my life. The rest of my life. This is not just hard, it is more than I can even explain. The things I do aren’t hard when I think about the simple things that I do in rehab but it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It’s not hard but it is hard. Its a conundrum.

I can laugh about being a lazy, fat guy and I can work on that but who cares.  I can change my body with this brain injury. Its what I cant fix that I can’t even talk about. Its not impossible but the way I feel sometimes is that “you could have fooled me”. Sometimes it feels impossible.

I’m not the same and I realize that. My friends realize that. I’ts too hard. It happened and it is what it is. It’s not outwardly apparent and because of that you have no clue how difficult it is. I don’t want it to sound like poor me, poor Michael because I did this to myself. I’m not asking for a short cut, but I feel like I can make it seem like there’s nothing wrong with me but it  appears that maybe I’m not that good at it. What people don’t get is that  me just trying to make it seem like there’s nothing wrong is so hard. I cant, how could I tell my friends how I feel about the changes and how difficult everything, and I mean everything is. I realize the fact that I’m not the same but I am the same. I still have the same head, I still have similar thoughts but I may not have the same actions or reactions to things. I feel like I am the same but evidently I am not pulling off this charade as well as I thought. Am I over confident or just…. I do know that I’m not the type to sit around and watch things go by and I want to be a part of my own life. So the other day it became apparent that it’s not them being protective of me, it’s them protecting themselves from me. That is really difficult to swallow.

I get it. But what I’m saying is being in a normal working environment helps me  push myself and that’s what I do. That’s what I’m trying to do. It may not seem like I do much to you but like I said, just the action of trying to be like everyone else is more than I can even give words to. I push everyday to do everything, anything. You have no idea. But I do get it and I understand everyone has their own lives and everyone needs to do what they have to do.

Yesterday was the annual turkey bowl. I feel so grateful for being able to walk on to the field and still being embraced by my friends and I am filled with gratitude. But then, no more touchy feely stuff and the next second, I think “let’s get it on”.  My mother doesn’t want to watch the games because shes a wimp and I did get hurt. I tackled people, I got tackled and I got hurt. I got elbowed in the face, I hurt my knee and I don’t know that it was good for me, it probably wasn’t. But those few hours on Saturday is what it’s all about. Its times like that, being with my friends, is what I need. That is coming back. It was good for me. There are no real words to explain how good it felt to be tackled. No words but all words.

You know you never realize how important your friends are until the threat of them being taken away or them walking away is real.

It’s getting close to Christmas time again and I remember reading on the blog when all I wanted was a haircut.  But those days are long gone. I must be coming back, I got a list this time. For these days, I give thanks to God, to the people who support me and all of you. I’m not sure that I’m worthy.

Mike