little bit of this, a little bit of that
This last month has had it’s share of ups and downs but along this journey, that’s to be expected. We get stuck when where we are is not a good place and we can’t find or see our way out. Did you see the movie “Silence of the Lambs”? Remember the scene in the movie where the girl is at the bottom of the dry well? She knows where she is and as she tries to climb her way up this impossible wall, she sees fingernails stuck in the wall where others have gone before her. Knowing that others had seen the darkness, felt the emptiness, the helplessness, the overwhelming silence and the stillness of the bottom of the well gave her strength to keep fighting. That’s where we find ourselves sometimes… at the bottom of a dark well unable to find the way out but somehow we do. No matter how dark, no matter how impossible the challenges seem, we never give up hope but we sometimes lose faith in ourselves.
We’ve had to work pretty hard at it the last couple of weeks but listening to our pastor during the Easter service, I was able to unload a lot of the burden and place it right where it belongs; in the hands of God. After all it was God that saved Michael’s life and although we lose sight of it, it was God that decided this was the road we would travel. Our pastor spoke of doubting Thomas and I related. Thomas questioned everything and without witnessing himself, could not believe. He did not have blind faith that many of the other disciples had…I have behaved much like Thomas. I lose sight of the very thing we must have to get through this; faith. I lose faith that it will be any better than it is today. I lose faith that I can live up to what others expect of me but if I am being truthful, I lose faith that I can live up to my own expectations. I lose faith that God has a plan and although we have the freedom of choice (and yes, as a woman I thank God for the moral and political freedom of that as well), God is in control. He would not give us more than we could bear and it is within our control to choose how we stand up to the challenges placed before us.
It is still challenging to motivate Michael to do things that are rehab related. (I should say for me to motivate him) A bit of depression, a bit of “it’s just this stage of recovery” which is good but the brunt of it takes the patience and understanding of Job (pronounced like Joe with a b for you that may not know of him), a bit of being 26 and tired of seeing his mother every day and not a bit, but a lot of anger and frustration that just being a TBI survivor brings. In May it will be a year and a half since Michael’s accident and although short term memory is still a huge barrier for him, he can remember enough to know that over the last year he’s worked harder than he’s ever worked at anything. He is exhausted (comes free with the brain injury) and as he looks ahead, he is told that for the rest of his life he must keep working to overcome the injuries to his brain. He said in one of the neuro pysch sessions that he just wants to retire from rehab. He doesn’t want to do this recovery thing anymore. He just wants to be “normal” again. He wants to go about life without this huge ugly reminder of the consequences of that one night, of that one horrible decision. The mental challenges, the physical challenges, the emotional challenges are taking their toll and he just wants to be done. How does he face this enormous beast day after day and find the strength to persevere? Some days he doesn’t.
There is quite a bit going on for Michael now (although ask him, he never does anything). His involvement with brain injury services has opened doors to what we hope will be exciting things ahead. His case manager from BIS has just completed Michael’s case management plan and has scheduled a meeting for next week to make sure that this plan meets Michael’s needs and expectations. Michael will join an adjustment group for young men who have survived traumatic brain injuries. It is headed by a psychologist and meets in Springfield the first and third Wednesdays of the month. This gives Mike a chance to socialize with other young men he might be able to relate to. The constant in getting back your life after TBI is the feeling that people don’t really understand what it’s like. As a person living with a survivor, I would say he’s probably right. Brain injury is not often understood and the behaviors are often misunderstood. Mike will also be able to take part in BIS’s Pal Program that offers a social mentoring type environment. This is designed to introduce possible challenges in the workplace and to assist in becoming more comfortable meeting new people after brain injury. It takes the comfortable old you with the uncomfortable new you learning to greet the old world on a new playing field.
In the course of a lifetime how many times do we wish for a do-over? I’ve never heard Mike say that…he accepts the consequences of his actions. He knows why he is where he is and he doesn’t try to hide behind excuses. He blames no one, he doesn’t even question why. His comments during the down times are pretty consistent - he is sorry and he is tired. During the sermon at church yesterday the preacher said that we shouldn’t expect miracles just because we pray but if we pray, we should believe that all things we ask in prayer will be received. For the most part, my prayers are the same today as they were October 21, 2007. I pray for strength and acceptance to handle whatever may come. My prayer for healing is now not only for Michael but I ask for healing for our family (trauma =trauma for all) and I pray for healing for our friends who’s lives we hold very dear. I pray for guidance … I embrace the strength I have within but I get lost sometimes. I am working toward accepting that I can not do this all on my own. It is a process.
xxoo
As you struggle and chronicle your efforts, also know that you help so many other people who follow this life story. Thoughts and prayers for you and Mike and everyone connected are continuous as we read about your daily lives. And it helps us cope with our struggles. God’s Peace to you.
word to mutha!
Mike is going to be such a blessing to the others in the group in Springfield. I have just started attending a similar group in a similar location with a neuropsychologist, for those with brain injuries of all kinds. While I am very very blessed to only have had a mild one, it still has taken its toll. I am no longer who I was and not many understand that. Thank God for our faith. Mike is incredible. You are even more so. God’s blessings from one mother to another.
I am new to this my son is 17 years old and was in a auto accident that we were told should have taken his life. When we received the call that no one wants to receive we were told that he wasn’t going to make it. I relieve that call all the time when I look at him.
My son and his girlfriend and her brother were all in a single car accident. My son was the driver. He was not drinking he was just over tired and haveing a bad day. He rolled a small pick up truck more then once, and was life flighted from the scene of the accident. he was not given a big chance to make it less then 10%.
I believe today it was God holding the truck in his hands and protecting all three of the children. My son fractured a vertebrae in his neck, a bone in his skull behind his left ear, fractured a rib in his upper chest, and fractured his sternum. He also received a brain injury this just happened almost 2 months agow o February 28 2009.
He pinched a nerve in his face and it caused him to have bels palsy so it looks like he has had a stroke.
He now is noticing that he is having some short term memory loss,( being a strong teen this really bothers him)
and now with all thats going on yu can tell depression is starting to sit in. He is very short tempered and gets mad even to the point that he thinks I dont love him. But I do no matter what. im just trying to find some words of wisdom from someone. I struggle as a mom not knowing what to expect, what to know what he is not telling me about what is going on with him.
He has the stress that he knows it was his fault and even has a ticket and court date that he still has to go too. and that he caused the brain injury and seizures that his girlfriend has.
any words of wisdom would be great.!!!
Ms. Clark,
You have come to the right place. I do hope you take advantage of the archives. Rae, Mike’s mom and caretaker has written about the healing process Michael and her have been through to date.
Good luck and God Bless.
David
Teresa,
Mike read me your posting last night and I could not hold back the tears. I felt the pain in your words and I truly understand the yearning to want to know the right thing to do. As a mother you want to do what you’ve probably always done, to pick up the pieces and let him know that everything is going to be ok. That’s what we do as mothers but this brain injury thing is not the scraped knee or the broken bone that we’re used to. It is the biggest, baddest thing your son will ever have to face and at 17, it may seem to him like he’s facing Goliath. But the very fact that he is 17 will be working in his favor.
Michael’s accident was almost a year and a half ago and I still look for strength and wisdom every day. There are many days I find it, but many days I don’t make it through the day without tears for Michael, tears for his 25 year old younger brother and his 19 year old sister. So many lives are affected when there’s a brain injury - it doesn’t just happen to the survivor. As the Mom, there are many times I am overwhelmed feeling so hopeless, helpless and useless to all of them.
BUT…things do get better and that’s what you must hold on to. It is not going to be easy and it won’t go away quickly, if it goes away at all but if you will reach down deep, you both have what it will take to see you thru. Our family’s journey is much like anyone else’s so I don’t see us as having “words of wisdom” but I strongly relate and search for those words myself. I find hope for the future in the research I do. The more you know about brain injury the better you are able to cope. Understanding how the brain works; what and where the damage is and what parts of the brain control certain behaviors or abilities…when it make sense, when you can put the pieces together it’s easier to seperate the damaged brain from the child you once knew. The most difficult for me is accepting that he will never be the same but I am getting better.
So when are those words of wisdom coming? Yeah, I don’t ever think I have the words to help someone else but I do know this…you are searching, reaching out for answers and I think that’s what I do too. I want someone to show me the way so i don’t screw this up. Every brain injury is different just as every person is different which makes every recovery different but I still want someone to tell me how to do it.
If I can help in any way, I am here. Michael’s journey is recorded in this wonderful site. It is filled with emotion, sometimes very raw emotion but it is the truth of our lives. Brain injury isn’t pretty and although inclined, I try not to doll it up. My own personal belief is that things haapen for a reason and it is with that acceptance, I find hope. I believe that God has a plan so it is our obligation to make the best of what we are given. Broken and battered maybe but our son’s are alive and that is something very special. It is a gift that was given so each day I try really hard to find the light that leads the way. It is always there because God is always there. I think it’s just up to us to find a way to honor the day in the life we have been given. If I don’t have faith, how do I expect Michael to keep going and to have faith himself? It’s a lot of pressure but mom’s have to keep hope alive…but I’m thinking it may be ok if some days are better than others.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers,