for one more day

Michael finished four pages of speech homework and his daily “at home” PT the other night so we settled back to catch up on TV. Not much to look at so we browsed through the previously recorded shows and came across “For One More Day”. If you’ve been following the blog you may remember that I began reading the book to Michael when he was in the hospital. He eventually progressed to the point that he could read to me and we then took turns reading pages to each other. When we heard that the novel was airing as a movie (I think it was December time frame), we recorded it for Michael to watch when the time was right. I was curious to see if watching the movie would spark a memory of the story or those afternoons reading in the room with a view. I will always remember the reflections through his window and the warm hues of fall wrapping around us like a blanket as we read through the pages of this beautiful story. What a perfect environment for healing - for returning to life. Would he remember?

What Michael remembers depends on the day and the level of fatigue. However, there is no memory of his life just prior to the accident. The accident consumed lunch dates, conversations at work, evenings and weekends with friends, plans for getting a place with Matt and Emily’s 18th birthday in September. There are no memories of his last days without brain injury. No memory of the angels on earth at INOVA Fairfax Hospital that worked feverishly to salvage what was left of his life when he made that decision to drive home in the early morning hours of October 21, 2007. No memory.

When we ran across the recording I asked Michael if he remembered reading “For One More Day” with me. To my amazement, he said yes. He said “it was a book about a guy who was in a car accident that hallucinated about his Mother.” I’m sure my mouth was open when he followed with “it was in ‘ville something…. ville…uh…Pepperville.” Wow! That was awesome…I asked “is there anything else you remember?” He said “yes, he hit a tree and he got a chance to talk to his mom that had been dead for years. The guys name was Chick. Chick Beneto.” I kissed Michael’s temple with tears in my eyes and said “there are many things you don’t remember, I am so glad you remember this.”

As we watched the movie I could see within half an hour that the very long day of therapy had taken its toll and Mike was too fatigued to continue. We ended the movie at the next commercial but as life goes, the timing was at the point when Chick asks the question “what is an echo?” I flash back to the day at Mt. Vernon sitting with Mike in silence and remember “an echo is what persists when the source is gone.” I remembered what a connection I felt when I read that in the book and it has stayed with me. It was the echo of my son in the silence of a room at Fairfax Hospital when the nurses said that when he squeezed my hand it meant nothing. It was the echo of his being when I lifted his eyelid and knew he looked at me through the eyes of a coma. It was the echo of his heart when Michele and I standing by his bed, trying to transfer healing energy through our words and loving hands saw his lips move to form the slightest smile. An echo is what persists when the source is gone.

For persons with traumatic brain injury, it is in the stillness that memories are made. I didn’t remember the setting from For One More Day. I didn’t remember the name of the main character, but Michael did. I guess only God knows why Michael remembers certain things and not others. Our memory is such a vital part of who we are.  Those memories of life - Thanksgiving, Christmas, growing up, Grandparents, parents, brothers and sisters, and time with friends.  Those moments don’t often seem important until we lose it/them or fear we’re going to. What would we do for one more day? 

To the ”Mc…..” family - we hope the memories of your Mother/Grandmother held deep in your heart help soothe your spirit at this difficult time. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.  

To the ”M……… family - we are sending healing thoughts and energy your way.  Please know that your family is in our thoughts and prayers. We believe in miracles.

There were days in the earlier stages of Michael’s recovery that we had to be very careful with noise and light and we watched carefully for signs of being over stimulated. We were aware that quiet was necessary throughout the day but he is now able to tolerate noise and light much better. Not to say that he doesn’t still require those moments of quiet because he does.

It is in the quiet gathering of mental noise that Mike is able to manage the changes of what was and what is. The past, the now, the ying, the yang, restoring balance and strength to his mind and body. Imagine the clarity he’ll need to find the answers to “what does life want from me now? and how do I fit in?” You think we could all benefit from a few moments of quiet now and then?

Once again, Michael has had an awesome week. His speech therapist said that she felt he had a breakthrough this week. His physical strength and balance continue to improve with Pilates based techniques for strengthening his core and lengthening muscles that have been shortened from injury.

He swam on Saturday and went to church on Sunday with his Father. He had Sunday brunch at IHOP with our family including Bobby’s mother (Grandma Boufie) and family friend Rondie. On Monday Nate, my friend Alex (visiting from London) and her children joined us at the Rehab Center at Mt. Vernon Hospital.  Nathan sat in on an Occupational Therapy session and Alex sat in on the “breakthrough” Speech Therapy session. He swam at the Chinn Center with Nate and Chris Lucas on Tuesday. On Wednesday he went on an outing to Chipotle and then bowling with a group from rehab. A gorgeous sunny spring day on Thursday prompted a cancelled visit with Jennifer and Jessica (Jessica’s birthday was Thursday - he owes you one) to go to the driving range with Bobby. Although Michael was very, very tired afterward, they had a great time and shot two buckets each. The golf swing motion is a part of his therapy to promote more fluid movement through his back and core. Michael is already looking forward to bypassing the driving range and hitting the golf course (they have carts).

Michael writes in his journal to help keep memories.  He wants to remember each day and the people that share it with him. Thank you’s to Danny and Rachelle for the phone calls to Mike and to Amanda, Kim, Matt, Karl, Chris, Nate and Sylvette for very enjoyable time shared.

Writing on the blog comes from a culmination of notes in my journal, jotting down thoughts and memories here and there and on Tuesday at Chinn I wrote: when the kids were young, the future was a place where all the good stuff was kept. It was a place all on its own and we couldn’t wait to get there. I never thought that it would be the place where bad stuff waited in ambush. As a parent, you want your children to listen to you, to learn from your mistakes, to understand they are the most precious things in life and to know the depth of love you feel is without measure and like no other. But what I’ve learned is that I can control what I eat, I can control what I say, I can control my temper but that’s about it. I have no effect on traffic, sunny or rainy weather or luck. I can’t make good things happen and I can’t keep anybody safe. I can’t fix the past. So I’ve been thinking that maybe if I can learn from my mistakes, I could possibly influence or make a difference in the future.

It is with humble gratitude I thank you for the unanticipated private and public responses to Michael’s video. Touching hearts, opening doors and minds, changing lives maybe? I’ve always felt there was a reason Michael’s life was spared - a plan …maybe we can make a difference.

LIVESTRONG Michael.

xxoo