Posted by rae on Mar 23, 2008 in
Mom's Corner The changes in our family have been many since Michael’s accident but for the most part, it has renewed our belief that things happen for a reason. Riding to Mt. Vernon a couple of weeks ago, out of the blue Michael asked when we were going to church. Trying not to let him see that my eyes had just bugged out of my head, I answered that Easter was right around the corner, there would be many families attending that would be making a fresh start and that would probably be a good time to go. Mike doesn’t often talk about his feelings concerning the accident but when he does, it is clear that he has given it much thought. He wanted to go to church. We talked with the others about Easter Sunday and the Rosner, Rosner-New, Whiting family decided we would go together as a family.
Michael’s gait is a work in progress and through physical therapy is getting stronger, straighter and closer to his goal of walking “normal”. At time of the accident, Mike was working as an IT Recruiter for The Mergis Group and wore dress pants, a collared dress shirt and dress shoes to work each day. Michael loves nice things and has a wardrobe to compliment his expensive taste in clothes. Let’s ignore the fact that I’m his Mother and perhaps a little biased but he is a beautiful young man. Right girls? He is clean cut, tall and lean and wears clothes well so when he’s dressed up, he’s a sight to behold. Enter Easter morning…
There is no therapy available that could have made Michael feel more like himself than getting dressed in clothes that he wore to work. Donning a starched shirt, pressed slacks and freshly polished shoes he was proud and walked with strength and confidence to the front doors of the church. His renewed self image was inspiring. We chose to sit in the back pew in case he had problems sitting still for the sermon and after being seated for a few minutes I asked “how does it feel being in church again?” Mike answered with a smile “well, I didn’t burst into flames”. So I asked “if you thought you might burst into flames why did you want to come to church?” and Mike answered, ”God saved me Mom.” The service wasn’t that heart wrenching but I can tell you that for the majority of it, I fought back tears.
We researched the history and meaning of this day during the week leading up to Easter Sunday. Michael had a full understanding of what happened on the cross and on the Sunday following the crucifixion. It is a true blessing that he is alive and more every day, I believe there is a reason.
Hope you had a great Birthday Matt! Mike had a great time this afternoon – you should be a stand up comedian…thanks for the laughs. Thank you Kurt and Amanda E stopping by…Mike loved the chinese food – the dumplings were so good he wouldn’t share with Bobby.
No matter who we are, the holy event nearly 2000 years ago on that first Sunday following the full moon after the spring equinox was for all of us.
xxoo
Posted by rae on Mar 19, 2008 in
Mom's Corner It’s been a rough day…not a bad day, just a rough day. Therapy began at 10AM, back home around 4PM, then off to the Chinn Center to swim 600 meters with Nate (best stand up kinda brotha in the world – yesterday they swam 500 meters at Freedom), then out for Chinese food. I was talking to Matt yesterday about how easy it is to spend a few minutes with Mike and not be aware of how deep his brain injury runs. He looks healthy, he cracks jokes, he seems to get jokes, his hair is growing in so the scars from the bone flap surgery are not as noticeable…from the outside and on the surface, his injury at times is almost invisible. A visit here and there can be deceiving.
Mike has homework just about every night and to determine where the deficits lie, he must do all of it by himself. The speech homework due today is to improve skills for visual scanning, reading and following written directions. This morning I watch as my son struggles with the remains of a brain that has been traumatically injured. I listen as my once brilliant child reads aloud to himself ” put the name of this past president under his picture” then he says ” its Abraham Lincoln but there’s no space. there’s no place to write it”. Mike has developed certain patterns when the stress level increases…he rubs his head, he moves his left arm back, he sits up straight arching his back and then rubs his head again and again. His body speaks - do you remember when Michael was in-patient at Mt. Vernon, he took a trip down “Easy Street” with Angie (the OT) to find green peppers, pick them up and place them in the basket? This two page assignment is that day with green peppers.
Draw two flowers in the grass. Simple right? Identifying Abe Lincoln…piece of cake. Most days I’m so in the moment, the focus always on his recovery that my ability to step back and face the possible long term effects of his injury is impaired. For Michael, other than memory and physical changes, he doesn’t see, can’t compare pre and post injury. Perhaps as a means of avoiding the pain or fully facing the consequences of his injury or maybe just a because of the brain damage itself, he is simply unable to perceive the effects of his injury. It’s too much to face just yet.
You see, identifying Abe Lincoln’s photo was easy. Writing Abe’s name under the picture was the tough part. Identifying Abe was question #11 and Abe’s picture was near question #4. There was a line under Abe’s picture but there was also a line for an answer at question #11. I watched Michael’s hand go toward Abe and back to the line at #11. Back to Abe. Back to #11. Back to Abe. Back to #11. Rub his head. Move his left arm. Rub his head. Sit up straight. Rub his head. He couldn’t do it. The connection didn’t happen. The connection that before the accident told his hand to write Abe’s name under the picture no matter where it was because he could follow written instruction. A mathematical brain that could dazzle even the most critical, is now splintered. The frontal lobe executive level thinking has come a long way from transferring green peppers but our journey is far from over.
Regardless of his injuries, Mike is still a 25 year old male wanting to have a life with a desire to have someone by his side. There is perseverating about one woman in particular. He doesn’t remember that he’s already called, so he calls again and maybe again. He’s not trying to be a stalker, to him it’s the first call of the day. There are times he doesn’t remember that she has a boyfriend, there are times he remembers and doesn’t care. He wants her and he wants her to know how he feels. He talks about what he’s going to say to her ALL the time. He tells me, his brother, his dad…he tells us all but when he is in her presence, he can’t speak. He’s like a young school boy, blushing in the company of his first love. Over the last week however, he is feeling insecure and afraid of rejection. His fears are well founded. If he speaks, tells her how he feels, although she would never want to hurt him, he would be hurt. He said to her once “thank you for accepting me” He needs/wants to know he is not going to be alone.
We’ll get through this….we can get through anything. I just wanted you to know, Michael is more than a brain injury. He’s still just a guy sometimes.
xxoo
LIVESTRONG Michael.
Posted by rae on Mar 16, 2008 in
Mom's Corner I miss having the time to write on the blog. I think about it every day and journal my thoughts when I get a chance but my time is no longer my own these days.
On March 3rd I wrote while at the Chinn Center:
Watching as the boys swim today brings back so many proud memories of cheering them on at swim meets. I miss those days… I remember complaining about the daily drive to the Chinn Aquatic Center at 5:30 AM for swim practice through the week and then up early again on Saturday for the meets… I guess it took this to bring clarity. I would drive to the ends of the earth now, you won’t hear me complain.
It is the discipline learned and required for their sport that molded them into the strong men they are today. Michael and Nathan are only sixteen months apart swam in the same age group but usually not in the same heat or stroke. Nathan was a record setting athlete in his own right, but probably like many younger brothers may have felt in the shadow of his older brother at times. Those days are gone, the roles have changed and Nathan no longer stands in the shadow. He is loving, grounded, patient, understanding and believes in the strong spirit of the soul. He is standing tall and guiding Michael back to lead the way again.
There was quite a bit of Michael left on the road October 21, 2007. Not skin and bones but pieces of what make him whole. So much he can’t remember, so much he can’t express knowing and feeling the loss of what cannot easily be repaired. But in the water, Mike is able to find so much more than himself, he is able to find healing. At home and strong in the water, he finds an anti-gravity sense of confidence that he does not feel when he walks. If you ask ”if you could change anything today, what would you change?” He will still respond “I want to walk normal and I don’t want to have a patch”. He can see, feel and understand the changes and weakness in his body as day after day he pushes himself to exhaustion to get it back.
When he pushes himself in the water though, he can feel the strength and confidence return as he pushes himself to swim past Nate. Mike’s hips are stiff, his knee still a problem so I suggest that they try the kickboard for awhile to concentrate on lower body strengthening. Mike struggles with the kickboard-his bottom is as heavy as a lead balloon. I can’t help but smile as he tries to find the rhythm and power behind his kick to keep up with Nate. His feet barely afloat he digs in challenging his abs, his hips and his legs to find “it”. By now this has nothing to do with the kickboard, this is survival. The survival of “it”. The”it” that set him apart. The “it” that made him feel like a champion. He digs for the drive, the determination the “it” that he knows is in there…he is not a quitter.
March 16 – Since that day, Mike enjoyed some Tuesday pool time wih Justin and Nate and has been going every Saturday with his Dad and Taylor. Nathan is off on Mondays and Tuesdays so we usually try to hit the pool one time with him during the week. If you have a chance to join us, Mike and Nate would love the company.
Nate and Sylvette took Mike to one of his favorite places to eat – Sweetwater Tavern in Centreville last weekend and Mike got a chance to see Becca and Scott. Thanks for dessert Becca! Anytime Mike goes out to eat, I always think of that first outing with his OT at Mt. Vernon when he was so over stimulated that he grabbed her by the neck and put her in a headlock.
On Monday the 10th, Karl called to see if Mike would like to go out to Tony’s with him, Adam, Shannon and Nate. I think that has probably been the day of all the days since coming home that he felt the comfort of knowing he was still in the circle…and it felt good. There are many things he can’t remember…he remembers that night though. I can’t thank you guys enough…Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Molly, Shannon, Karl, Adam, Danny, Matt, Amanda, Justin, Becca, Stu and Patt – thank you for everything – the phone calls, the visits, the donations, the banana bread and most importantly, the love.
Therapy at Mt. Vernon is going well. The days are jammed packed and Michael is whipped at the end of the day but he never complains. He wakes up energized by the next day and greets the new day determined to give it his all again. The hour trips to and from are always filled with anxious anticipation of the motion sickness Mike is now plagued with, so we travel prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Hope? We’re keeping it alive.
xxoo
Posted by mike on Mar 7, 2008 in
Mike's Posts This week has been pretty good. I started the bridge program and met all my new counselors, its going pretty good so far. Excited to get back into things. Getting back in the water has been great. Thanks to Nate, Dan and Dad for helping me try to stay healthy and to everybody that’s been coming over to keep me company. I appreciate all the love I’ve been getting it really helps keep my spirits up. My days are tiring but I can stay motivated because I can see where it’s taking me. Who knows how it’s going to end.
Posted by rae on Mar 1, 2008 in
Mom's Corner Great News! After weeks of battling with the insurance company, the program director from Mt.Vernon called this week to say that Mike’s insurance case manager had approved and signed the contract for Mt. Vernon Rehab’s Bridge Program. Although the Blue Shield insurance case manager kept telling us that this program was not covered or available to Mike, it turns out somehow that it is. She insisted that we consider and accept National Rehab Center on Irving St. in DC and continued to offer that as the only option. I’m so glad we kept pushing.
This is Mike’s last week of in-home therapy and Tuesday of next week he will begin treatment evaluations for the Bridge Program. Nothing in stone but based on previous conversations, he’ll be there 3-5 days a week, 4-5 hours each day. Mike’s insurance will cover individual therapy but will not cover the vitally important group portion of the rehabilitation process. Group therapy will allow Mike to socialize with others that have suffered a traumatic brain injury and may share the same problems and concerns with daily living and re-entering society. We’ll pay out of pocket for the group sessions but the benefits for Michael will far out weigh the financial toll. There is not one moment in the day when we’re not looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and to hear that Mike will have at least 10 weeks of intense rehabilitation therapy with the Bridge Program is a light that shines bright for sure.
For Mike there are times during the day that the brain injury becomes his identity, when he feels a total disconnect from his life before the accident. The more aware he becomes the more he asks about the accident and about his car. He asks about his Blackberry and talks about what service he has. He often wonders if he should or needs to call work. What day is it? Where’s my car? Did I have shoulder surgery? Do you know Amanda’s home phone number? Is Nate coming over? Did Karl say he was coming over today? I think I have scoliosis. What day is it? Did Amanda call? Have I seen Shannon? He realizes everyone else is going to work, still driving their cars, still going out and hanging with the same social circle. Yearning to do those things but not able to, I’ll see his face droop as a little bit of reality sets in. Those are tough times when the reflection he sees in the mirror is a 25 year old unemployed male with a brain injury. A life forever changed. Feeling alone, living at home, separated from his friends, needing assistance for daily living and feeling confused throughout the day because his memory fails him. It’s certainly ok to have moments of acceptance, but not defeat. Lucky? Recovering? Forever changed? Disabled? SURVIVOR!
I make it my goal every single day to help Michael walk with his head up, to help him focus on the positive forces available and to never give up hope. When you remember the extent of damage to Mike’s brain, consider how fragile the brain is and then realize that our sense of self, life and order all reside in there - it’s no surprise that there are times that Mike struggles with who he is. The brain itself defines who we are.
Mike is certainly not alone in this. TBI statistics for males under 30 are staggering. The director at Mt. Vernon said that they are breaking records for the number of patients in rehab from brain injuries. Our goal for Michael isn’t necessarily trying to get him back to pre-October 21, 2007 “normal” but through rehabilitation, finding a “new” normal. He has made tremendous progress thus far and I have no doubt that he will continue to amaze us with his strength and perseverence.
As we begin this next phase in Mike’s recovery, he’ll be developing skills that will help him redefine his identity. The broken connections of Mike’s brain can regenerate and can detour around the damaged parts and find new paths. As we watched American Idol (Mike never liked idol before but he really has no choice now) he would say the contestant’s full name as they walked out on the stage. None of the rest of us knew their names but somehow that amazing brain of his stored that information and he was able to pull up the memory. I found that fascinating. The more challenging and complex cognitive rebuild will probably be years “under construction” but we’ll find a way to keep him in therapeutic rehabilitation programs until the need is no longer there.
If you ask Mike, his physical strength is not progressing fast enough but we are overjoyed with the successes we have seen thus far. Mike is walking down the length of our street and back. Although physically tasking, he is making trips up and down the stairs in the house with no hands pushing the limitations of his strength and balance. He is improving the limited range of motion in his upper body and strengthening muscles needed to support the compression fractures in his back while swimming laps at the pool. It seems people with TBI who exercise daily have fewer symptoms and better cognitive function. So while Mike is swimming, using the elliptical, riding the stationary bike and using free weights he is not only improving his functional ability but increasing the overall quality of his life.
We are anticipating great strides in Michael’s recovery and rehabilitation over the next three months at Mt. Vernon and outside of The Bridge Program; we have made a commitment to keep him swimming. For me personally…HOPE has never been more ALIVE!
My dearest Michael – LIVESTRONG
xxoo