it’s not me
There are a couple of you that will have a My Space comment from Mike yesterday. This is a part of therapy but more importantly, an effort to push Mike toward the comfort of known memory. Not everyone that reads the blog knows Mike personally so many may not know that Mike is an IT professional. An Internet Technology professional knows the ins and outs of computers like the back their hand, could hack away at a keyboard mindlessly and would be confident navigating the Internet to say the least. The impairments from Michael’s injuries are so prominent when he is now seated at the computer and tries to remember where to place his fingers, how to go back if you make a mistake, the web address, the log in name, the password and then finally to the homepage and stop. Nothing. No movement, just staring. He stares and cannot get past the homepage. I think he’s stuck.
I volunteer that I’m here to help, he just needs to ask. Nothing. ”It’s not me” he says. Looking at his page, I try to figure out what I don’t see and ask “what do you mean it’s not you? This is your page, honey”. He doesn’t answer right away and I look up…his eyes are filled with tears and he says again “it’s not me. I don’t look like that anymore.” This is tough. I’m thinking there are many ways to respond but I need to answer in a way that he will feel, not just hear. The consequences of a debilitating injury to the brain are so vast and not always visible on the outside but when it all came together for Michael; the person he knew and saw in the picture was not the person he has come to know now. It can tear your heart out.
Or…it can make you stronger. Who you believe you are, is usually what you become. If you feel weak, you are weak. Your walk is weak and slumped, you’re vulnerable, you are a victim. When you feel strong, your shoulders are higher, your back is straighter, you walk with confidence and the world is a better place because you’re in it. No matter what Mike ever did, he never saw himself as a victim. When times were tough, Mike had no money for bills, no money to eat, no money for gas but he didn’t see himself as some poor guy struggling in a start-up company - he saw himself as a man who was learning the skills to be a successful entrepreneur. He browsed through Yachts magazine compiling information on the yacht he was going to buy. A daily affirmation of who you see yourself as, not necessarily as how the current situation might picture you . Much like the daily affirmations of his hero ”I am the greatest!”, ”… float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!” Yesterday began and ended with a mantra that in a way Mike created himself. “I walk shoulders back, my back straight and my head held high because I am strong like a bull.” Not many people get a second chance. Mike is not a victim.
He’ll have many days when the consequences of his decision in the early morning hours of October 21, 2007 try to get the best of him. This morning he looked so depressed after the Occupational Therapist left. “what’s wrong Mike? what’s going on in that head of yours?” Mike with that oh, so cute but sad puppy look said “I have a patch”. I had to laugh but argh…it gets the best of him. He hates that new eye patch, I think more than anything that’s happened to him. It makes him feel ugly - like he has a huge ready to be popped pimple between his eyes, or a big hairy wart on his nose or anything you would hate to have on your face. It sucks the life out of him. He feels like people should turn away as he walks past because he’s a freakshow with a patch on his glasses. He finds no humor in this by the way….Ahhh, vanity is alive and well….Mike is in the hisouse.
LIVESTRONG Michael…
xxoo