hey guys

I received pictures today of my jeep after the accident and it’s been humbling to say the least.  thanks goes out to Shannon for taking the pictures.  it helped being able to see the pictures.  it helped me understand how bad the accident was and to be able to see why I had the head injury.  I had a dream about what my jeep looked like but it wasn’t like that.

I always knew that you guys were important to me, I just never realized how much I would need you there to be able to lean on.  thanks for all the support and get well wishes.  Keeping in touch means everything to me. even though I have a long road ahead of me I wouldn’t change anything because of the lessons I’ve learned.  thanks to my mom for being there none stop.

till next time

thanks guys

greetings from paradise

Kaua’i is known as the garden island for a reason…it is lush with wildlife, land so beautiful that the rich purchase thousands of acres to protect what we on the mainland would so easily destroy, majestic coastlines and the seduction of the aloha lifestyle.  If it made any sense, I would move my family here in a heartbeat.

The day before Bobby and I left for this trip, we learned that our dear friend Jeff Gregory lost his son on the 28th of January.   Once in the hospital, the doctors told the family that he would probably not survive and within 72 hours, he was gone.   It seems not too long ago that the doctors told us not to get our hopes up and asking about organ donation.  During those critical hours, the wait as life slips away from your child is a feeling that is a black tattoo on your soul, it never goes away.  If it is in God’s plan that life continues for your child, your tattoo is given the color of complete and utter thankfulness.  For Jeff and his family their tattoo is without color and ends with the task of learning to cope.  Learning to live with the loss of their child and learning to thank God for the memories of this life on earth.  

While touring the Hawaiian countryside, we received a phone call with the news that our friend Bill Fernatt lost his battle with prostate cancer.  Bill was a fighter.  A “tough guy” I say with a smile, well respected, loved and admired by his peers but a family man first and foremost.  His strength was outwardly obvious but for those that really knew him, knew a gentle man with a huge heart.  Bill’s strength, his fantastic sense of humor, his kind heart and his beautiful smile will be missed.  Both Bobby and I worked, played, loved and laughed through many years with this gentle giant…thanks for the memories Bill.   To Bill’s family and friends, we we send our heartfelt condolences from Hawaii and hope that God is with each and every one of you.  We pray that you will find strength in God’s loving arms and that his love will carry you through.  

What does any of this have to do with Michael and why am I taking the time to tell you about these two lives that are no longer with us?  I don’t know why Michael’s life was spared, or why his recovery is boggling to the mind but I do know that prior to the accident, Michael had no idea how valuable his life was.  How valuable it was to me, to you, to God or to himself.  We don’t think about how we touch people’s lives.  We don’t think what life would be like for someone else if we weren’t there to pick up the phone, to watch a TV show together, to share a meal together, to talk politics, to laugh, to cry or just share the same quite space.   But we should. 

We all have value.  We all mean something to someone and when you don’t realize the value you have on this earth, you make careless decisions, you don’t help others when they need but can’t or won’t ask for help.  When I thought I would lose Michael, when I thought I would never hear his voice again or  hear him laugh again, I know that he did not realize the value he had on this earth…to me, to you.  

I still thank God every day for life’s blessings.  I thank God for every breath Michael takes and pray for healing as he continues each step toward recovery.  It could have been so different.  

LIVESTRONG Michael

xxoo 

week 5 at home

A southern accent, lots of laughs, Brain Age, UNO, reading, listening to previously uploaded ring tones on Mike’s Blackberry, more memory with details, increased physical strength, and a filter rotation were among the ripples in the current this week.  We haven’t quite figured out the occasional southern accent that accompanies ribbing between Bobby, Nate, Mike and Sylvette but wherever he finds it, it’s hilarious.   He has a good time and with laughter comes healing so for now, it works.

Bobby and I are leaving for a week long trip to Hawaii and for the majority of our trip, Mike will be staying at his Dad’s house.  I have been the constant for Michael since the accident and although he would hate that I am posting this, he is having a tough time with me leaving.  He doesn’t want to talk about it and the closer “it” gets, the more quiet Mike has become.  Please fill these days for me.  Call him, go to his Dad’s house and spend time with him, don’t give him time to feel lonely….he’s come so far and has maintained such a positive attitude, I would hate to see anything change.   Mary has given me permission to post their home number (703.369.6872 ) and would like everyone to feel welcome and comfortable visiting while he’s there with them.  Call David or Mary to schedule time to see Mike…it will mean so much to all of us, but to Mike most of all.  He’ll be there tonight, home with Nate Thursday, back to Dad’s Friday night through Monday, then home again with Nate and Sylvette for the remainder of the week.  

With only three weeks left of in-home therapy, we are anxiously waiting to hear if Mt. Vernon’s Bridge Program is an option.  Mt.Vernon says they have a contract with Blue Shield, Blue Shield says they don’t…meanwhile back at the ranch, time is running out.   The in-home therapists have been trying to work their magic by spreading Mike’s home bound status as long as it can possibly be credible.  

“out of sight, out of mind”…thank you for not letting Mike disappear.

xxoo

p.s. this is harder than I thought…crying all the way home after getting Mike and Emily settled in at David and Mary’s house tonight, I know in my head he will be fine.  But after almost losing him and being by his side every day since…my heart is heavy as we drive away.   I know this is good for both of us – I will be stronger and rested after a week in paradise and he will be stronger and better because of it.  This is a good thing.  This is a good thing.  This is a good thing.

Dad’s Corner

it’s not me

There are a couple of you that will have a My Space comment from Mike yesterday.  This is a part of therapy but more importantly, an effort to push Mike toward the comfort of known memory.  Not everyone that reads the blog knows Mike personally so many may not know that Mike is an IT professional.  An Internet Technology professional knows the ins and outs of computers like the back their hand, could hack away at a keyboard mindlessly and would be confident navigating the Internet to say the least.   The impairments from Michael’s injuries are so prominent when he is now seated at the computer and tries to remember where to place his fingers, how to go back if you make a mistake, the web address, the log in name, the password and then finally to the homepage and stop.  Nothing.  No movement, just staring.  He stares and cannot get past the homepage.  I think he’s stuck.

I volunteer that I’m here to help, he just needs to ask.  Nothing.  ”It’s not me”  he says.  Looking at his page, I try to figure out what I don’t see and ask “what do you mean it’s not you?  This is your page, honey”.    He doesn’t answer right away and I look up…his eyes are filled with tears and he says again “it’s not me.  I don’t look like that anymore.”   This is tough.   I’m thinking there are many ways to respond but I need to answer in a way that he will feel, not just hear.  The consequences of a debilitating injury to the brain are so vast and not always visible on the outside but when it all came together for Michael; the person he knew and saw in the picture was not the person he has come to know now.  It can tear your heart out.

Or…it can make you stronger.  Who you believe you are, is usually what you become.  If you feel weak, you are weak.  Your walk is weak and slumped, you’re vulnerable, you are a victim.  When you feel strong, your shoulders are higher, your back is straighter, you walk with confidence and the world is a better place because you’re in it.  No matter what Mike ever did, he never saw himself as a victim.  When times were tough, Mike had no money for bills, no money to eat, no money for gas but he didn’t see himself as some poor guy struggling in a start-up company – he saw himself as a man who was learning the skills to be a successful entrepreneur.  He browsed through Yachts magazine compiling information on the yacht he was going to buy.   A daily affirmation of who you see yourself as, not necessarily as how the current situation might picture you .  Much like the daily affirmations of his hero ”I am the greatest!”,  ”… float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!”  Yesterday began and ended with a mantra that in a way Mike created himself.  “I walk shoulders back, my back straight and my head held high because I am strong like a bull.”  Not many people get a second chance.  Mike is not a victim. 

He’ll have many days when the consequences of his decision in the early morning hours of October 21, 2007 try to get the best of him.  This morning he looked so depressed after the Occupational Therapist left.  “what’s wrong Mike?  what’s going on in that head of yours?”  Mike with that oh, so cute but sad puppy look said “I have a patch”.  I had to laugh but argh…it gets the best of him.  He hates that new eye patch, I think more than anything that’s happened to him.  It makes him feel ugly - like he has a huge ready to be popped pimple between his eyes, or a big hairy wart on his nose or anything you would hate to have on your face.  It sucks the life out of him.  He feels like people should turn away as he walks past because he’s a freakshow with a patch on his glasses.   He finds no humor in this by the way….Ahhh, vanity is alive and well….Mike is in the hisouse.  

LIVESTRONG  Michael…

xxoo

the eyes have it

This may not seem like much to those that wake up each morning with their children and remind them to take out the trash, stop by the bank or to pick up their socks.  Or to those of you that need a gentle reminder to pay a bill, call your mother or pick up the dry cleaning but Michael wakes each morning with virtually no memory of the day before.  Our morning begins with a review of the previous day and continues throughout the day reminding Michael of not the memory lost but of the memory he can’t find. 

Today, typical of most mornings he had no idea it was Tuesday when he awoke.  Once we established it was Tuesday, Fat and Super Tuesday, February 5th, I asked Mike what he did yesterday and if he had visitors.  He said “um, yeah.  Danny came over.  pause…and Karl came over. ”  I prodded ”Anyone else?”  he answered, ” No….oh, yeah Amanda came over.”   In my best Borat impersonation I said “high five” as we both slapped hands mid-air.   Although Danny has been to the hospital and has been to the house, for some reason, Mike has never been able to remember those visits until today.  The connection for making memory is there and if Mike can continue to make that connection it will get better with time and practice.

I’ve noticed recently that Mike will close the right or left eye when trying to read or write.  When I ask about it, he says that it helps him focus.  It doesn’t matter how I try to get to the source of the problem, he has not been able to articulate what he sees if he doesn’t close one eye.  The damage to Mike’s brain has had serious impact on so many aspects of his life and his ability to function normally but to him, the physical and visual differences are most pronounced. 

Many issues led to the appointment this afternoon with Dr.Snyder -a Neuro Opthalmologist in Fairfax – balance, closing one eye, difficulty in perceiving spatial relationships, and sensitivity to light.   It seems that when the back of Mike’s head was injured, he damaged the left optic muscle.  As a result, he has a leftward attention shift, left and right eyes are now asymmetrical which without a doubt is causing double-vision and affecting spatial, balance and the inability to focus with both eyes open.  Good news – this may not be permanent and may heal with time. 

For now, he will wear a patch through the day switching every two hours to the other eye.  He’ll continue this for two months then back for another evaluation.  It could take a year before we know if the injury is permanent but he believes it is possible for the muscle to heal on it’s own in time.  

xxoo

whats up guys

it is hard for me to get my thoughts together to say things to you but i like to read the blog

its nice to hear what you have to say and its nice to know that you care  thank you thomas nate and sylvette for watching the game with me.

jimmy i remeber that trip to cali it was wild  im not sure why it was wild but i remeber that it was.

my progress has been phenominal because of the support i get thank you for that

The Flu

This is day three with the flu for me that gets a little worse each day.  Body aches, head ache, sore throat, head and chest congestion.  The middle of the day is best of course…in the morning I feel like I weight 500 pounds and from 4:00pm on, I am fighting the urge to go to bed…gotta love flu season.  

I received an email with an interesting slant on Mike’s recovery and thought I would share it with you.  For privacy, I’ll leave out the author’s name. 

Rae, I was going to put this in Mike’s blog but I’ll tell you instead.  I
don’t believe in miracles.  I think they are an ancient way of explaining
what we don’t know.  In our past people gave the term miracle to a lot of
things we now understand through science.  In Mike I don’t see a miracle
what I see is the strength that was Mike all along determined to overcome a
tragic accident.  In a lesser person the outcome would have ended at Fairfax
Hospital or the results at Mount Vernon would have been less. 

I know a little of the time in your life when Mike was growing up and it wasn’t
always wonderful (you had a rough divorce and marriage before that) so Mike
learned to be tough.  The years of competitive swimming made him physically
strong and competitive (got that from David and you).  If anyone would
succeed against a Traumatic Brain Injury it was Mike.  I would not fair as
well in the same circumstance.  I give credit to Mike and to you and Bobby
and Nate and Emily and David and Mary and the very close friends Mike has.
It may be comforting to think a divine being reached down and touched him
but I don’t see it that way.  You created the environment that has permitted
him to make a super recovery.  Props to you and Mike.

To the sender…thank you.  We are strong individually, we are even stronger together.  LIVESTRONG Rosner/ Rosner-New/Whiting family.   

xxoo

week 4 at home

After an appointment with Michael’s primary care physician, the absolutely fantastic Dr. John Pare there was a plan to reduce and in the future possibly eliminate all meds.  An order for a CT scan to check the blood clot in his groin, another reduction in the daily dosage of Cymbalta, another change for Ritalin and a physical examination of the pesky right shoulder.  Mike’s right side slumps and is much weaker than his left because after coming out of the coma, the right side neglect was so severe that he couldn’t or wouldn’t look to the right, or use the right appendages.  The inactivity lasted for almost three weeks after coming out of the coma resulting in about seven weeks of no movement on the right side at all.  The in-home physical and occupational therapists have been working with Mike to increase the upper body range of motion but it is still quite limited. 

Last week during an occupational therapy session, Mike was able to reach the top of the door frame with both arms.  That was a milestone considering that right arm had not moved above his head for a few months but Mike probably injured his right shoulder in the process.  From that day forward, Mike’s right shoulder clicked if he raised that elbow out to the side or tried to raise the arm above his head.  While examining his shoulder, Dr. Pare said that neurologically, Mike may have a deficit with pain association and may not be able to feel the pain he should feeling with this injury to the shoulder.  So all those push-ups, stretching and reaching really hurt his shoulder and back without us knowing it.  A sad reminder of the injury to his knee that no one heard or believed.  Dr. Pare ordered an x-ray of the shoulder area and referred Mike to an Orthopedic for diagnosis, so we’ll see what happens.

Bobby leaves for Salt Lake City Super Bowl Sunday and will be gone for a week.  Nate, Sylvette, Mike, Emily and I will be hanging out downstairs watching it on the big-screen living it up with great food and no alcohol.   A person who has suffered a traumatic brain injury can never have alcoholic beverages.  It is Mike’s brain we must protect and honestly, in the grand scheme of things watching the Super Bowl without beer is a small sacrifice.    Let Mike be the lesson…please.  

We have a full week set up already with new Dr’s appointments, scheduling CT scans and xrays, searching for an acceptable out-patient therapy facility and the regular visits with in-home OT, ST and PT.  Our in-home therapy is quickly coming to an end and we must find a suitable place for this brilliant mind to rehabilitate.  National Rehab Center on Irving St. in North East DC is in the Blue Cross/Blue Shield network and has been recommended by the insurance company.  NRC has a day program similar to Mt. Vernon’s Bridge Program; the difference for Mike’s coverage is the way they bill.  Mike does not have coverage for group or day rehab.  Mt.Vernon won’t bill individually, NRC will.  Not looking forward to driving to DC to have Mike at NRC by 9AM and then back at 5PM to pick him up.  Needless to say, I am searching for an alternative.

Another week of positive therapy, two Dr’s visits, a trip to Fairfax Hospital to give thanks and solid baby steps each day.  Reading the blog this morning with Mike, I asked if he would like to try to write again.  He responded that he would like to, but after trying for a few minutes, he decided he would wait and try again another time.  Although the comments no longer come on a regular basis, we still read about 20 a day.  In this case, short term memory is his friend.  It doesn’t matter if the comment was written in October or January, he reads it, he feels the love and support and as he said on his post, “when I see all of your comments on the blog, I feel energized”.  When he feels connected to his friends, it makes all the difference in the world.  He “feels like a bull”.

LIVESTRONG Michael.

xxoo

Thank You….

It has been awhile since I have posted. I want to take this opportunity to THANK

EVERYONE but also call thanks to some of those special people.

A big THANK YOU to the Dr’s, nurses and therapists that continue to push and work Mike like a loved family member.

THANK YOU to David, Mary, Nathan, Sylvette and Emily. David and Mary, thank you for stepping in when we have lost time but still have a million things left to do and for the wonderful meal we will have on Saturday…..no pressure David.    Nate and Seebee, we cannot thank you enough for everything you have and continue to do – the cooked weeknight dinners, date night, pizza parties, El Taco lunches, Costco shopping, picking up milk and on and on and on and on. Emily, thank you for being a loving understanding daughter and sister, for continuing to work hard in school and for an awesome report card.

THANK YOU to Karl, Matt, Jimmy, Danny and Amanda for your weekly visits and supporting words for me and Rae..

Kem Hicks, words cannot THANK YOU enough for everything you’ve done behind the scene – don’t give up on us.

Ron, Kristen, Barb, Ray, Adrea (Mom), Robert (Dad), Ben and Rondi, THANK YOU for your supporting words, visits and many prayers. Barb, thank you for the blond jokes, they were very funny.

To everyone else that has pitched in, offered to help and those that continue to keep our family in your prayers – THANK YOU.

Keep Hope Alive and remember, we walk by faith not by sight.