Thump

Have you ever tried to dry a pair of tennis shoes in the clothes dryer? If there is nothing else in the dryer, they loudly “thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. Conceivably, the shoes go in, they dry, you take them out but alone it takes forever. They thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. You put them in the dryer, you take them out, they still feel wet, you put them back in. You hear them thump, thump, thump,thump. You take them out, they ‘re still wet. Put them back in…thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. You check again and the frustration builds. Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump…one more thump and you’re feeling like you’re going to explode. Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump…welcome to my world.

Thoughts. Can’t stop them. Louder – thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thumb, thump, thump. I can’t stop the noise in my head.

Another analogy. Driving 100 miles an hour, I hit a brick wall. I put it in reverse, get back in the car, drive 100 miles an hour and hit that brick wall again. I back it up, gun it, hit the brick wall again…why? Dude, you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect to get a different result? Is your brain damaged? Yes. Apparently it is.

I have a pad of paper near my bed and i write notes when a thought comes to mind. Here’s one for you:

[ It's not that Einstein was wrong because how can a "God" be wrong?" he says with a smile. Einstein was speaking in reference to sight "nothing moves faster than light" however, I counter and say that time moves outside of light and that time stays perfectly relative to your individual circumstance. Time is your personal vehicle and it is dependent on your moment. Like an accident, time moves s l o w l y because it is your individual circumstance. BUT from the outside, it happens in the blink of an eye and that's why time varies dependent on the (as we say in the brain injury world) the experiencing person.]

If I am perseverating, a day may last a week and I perseverate often. Thump, thump, thump, thump…that same thought hitting the walls of my brain over and over again but it quiets long enough for me to think ” what am i doing? God stop this insanity, please!!! Then thump, thump, thump, thump, thump…here I go again. Banging the phone or email with the “cold call recruiter” alter ego that for another might be Harvey McLean (some will understand) that says “keep going boy, they can only say “no” for so long” thump, thump, thump. Thoughts. I can’t sleep without thump, thump, thump, thump. This day “thump, thump, thump, thump” has lasted a week for me but for you, it was a normal day. Time is relative to the experiencing person.

I think what had and is transpiring is coming to grips with what has happened. “why can’t you get this?”, “why can’t you move on?”, “push harder!” ” how can anything take this long?” i usually don’t hear this from others, this is my own dialogue. From a lack of understanding of how to deal, cope, or support a person with an injured brain; some awkwardly distance themselves, some placate to keep the peace, a few condescend or reprimand but i ask that you please just keep it real. We are social beings and I make attempts at being social… still. I know I can be harsh, it may not always make sense when I text or email you but I, Mike Rosner am still in here somewhere. I don’t want to be the “new” me, I want/ need to find out who I can be, merging the two. If I have offended you, it was not my true intention. Sometimes I only can only hear the “thump, thump, thump” banging the walls of my brain.

…jmdr