abe lincoln
It’s been a rough day…not a bad day, just a rough day. Therapy began at 10AM, back home around 4PM, then off to the Chinn Center to swim 600 meters with Nate (best stand up kinda brotha in the world – yesterday they swam 500 meters at Freedom), then out for Chinese food. I was talking to Matt yesterday about how easy it is to spend a few minutes with Mike and not be aware of how deep his brain injury runs. He looks healthy, he cracks jokes, he seems to get jokes, his hair is growing in so the scars from the bone flap surgery are not as noticeable…from the outside and on the surface, his injury at times is almost invisible. A visit here and there can be deceiving.
Mike has homework just about every night and to determine where the deficits lie, he must do all of it by himself. The speech homework due today is to improve skills for visual scanning, reading and following written directions. This morning I watch as my son struggles with the remains of a brain that has been traumatically injured. I listen as my once brilliant child reads aloud to himself ” put the name of this past president under his picture” then he says ” its Abraham Lincoln but there’s no space. there’s no place to write it”. Mike has developed certain patterns when the stress level increases…he rubs his head, he moves his left arm back, he sits up straight arching his back and then rubs his head again and again. His body speaks - do you remember when Michael was in-patient at Mt. Vernon, he took a trip down “Easy Street” with Angie (the OT) to find green peppers, pick them up and place them in the basket? This two page assignment is that day with green peppers.
Draw two flowers in the grass. Simple right? Identifying Abe Lincoln…piece of cake. Most days I’m so in the moment, the focus always on his recovery that my ability to step back and face the possible long term effects of his injury is impaired. For Michael, other than memory and physical changes, he doesn’t see, can’t compare pre and post injury. Perhaps as a means of avoiding the pain or fully facing the consequences of his injury or maybe just a because of the brain damage itself, he is simply unable to perceive the effects of his injury. It’s too much to face just yet.
You see, identifying Abe Lincoln’s photo was easy. Writing Abe’s name under the picture was the tough part. Identifying Abe was question #11 and Abe’s picture was near question #4. There was a line under Abe’s picture but there was also a line for an answer at question #11. I watched Michael’s hand go toward Abe and back to the line at #11. Back to Abe. Back to #11. Back to Abe. Back to #11. Rub his head. Move his left arm. Rub his head. Sit up straight. Rub his head. He couldn’t do it. The connection didn’t happen. The connection that before the accident told his hand to write Abe’s name under the picture no matter where it was because he could follow written instruction. A mathematical brain that could dazzle even the most critical, is now splintered. The frontal lobe executive level thinking has come a long way from transferring green peppers but our journey is far from over.
Regardless of his injuries, Mike is still a 25 year old male wanting to have a life with a desire to have someone by his side. There is perseverating about one woman in particular. He doesn’t remember that he’s already called, so he calls again and maybe again. He’s not trying to be a stalker, to him it’s the first call of the day. There are times he doesn’t remember that she has a boyfriend, there are times he remembers and doesn’t care. He wants her and he wants her to know how he feels. He talks about what he’s going to say to her ALL the time. He tells me, his brother, his dad…he tells us all but when he is in her presence, he can’t speak. He’s like a young school boy, blushing in the company of his first love. Over the last week however, he is feeling insecure and afraid of rejection. His fears are well founded. If he speaks, tells her how he feels, although she would never want to hurt him, he would be hurt. He said to her once “thank you for accepting me” He needs/wants to know he is not going to be alone.
We’ll get through this….we can get through anything. I just wanted you to know, Michael is more than a brain injury. He’s still just a guy sometimes.
xxoo
LIVESTRONG Michael.